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“My Hero” Foo Fighters

10:36 pm Feeling better thanks to some rants and posts on Facebook, told by several to keep going. I don't have much to say, it's been a long, rough day. The only thing I want to write about it is my beliefs. As they have come into question by several folks lately. Over drug addiction. I shared this pic and got some heated responses. It started with a girl I met on Facebook when I made my new account, I was looking for a different Candi, we had mutual friends. A year later, we have met and been hanging out. Even after finding out that we both dated Home Depot. We talked about it once for a few minutes and moved on. But today, she exploded over this. Her issue was that it says you have a weak mind. She doesn't believe that. I thought we agreed that it was personal opinion and we obviously felt differently.

I knew that when I started this journey, starting a blog and Facebook business announcing who I am and never holding back, would be difficult. But I didn't expect it to lead me to attempting suicide. I have opened up arguments with complete strangers in many groups. Some of these immediately became friendships, others getting people blocked and getting kicked out of groups for being better at this than the administrators. Being an Empath Shaman and mirroring people....showing them who they are by taking on their feelings and words and giving them right back. Some people see Love, some people see Hate, they see what they should see in their self.

SO....I did my best to keep my cool with her but she continued to comment and rant on my post, told off one my bestest friends and supporters, told me I wasn't a Real Shaman, in way many more words, went to MY Empath group, found a post I made and ranted on that. Thru all this, I asked her to stop several times. First being as nice as possible, then straight up telling her that she was being a bitch. Then she started tagging me in posts. I felt like she was trying to force her opinion down my throat. So I blocked her. I just recently unblocked her tho, I think she's over it now. I was fine with agreeing to disagree but she pushed me too far.

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I Believe that Life is what You make it. With your thoughts, your mind, your soul, that You are a God and have the power to do what You want. It's not easy, especially with so many billion people in the World. I guess that's why there are so many Angels here now with US. I have many. Tony's, Mike's, many B-day Twins. They are Real and we help each other, all of US. If you don't Believe in You, how can anyone else ?? If you don't think you can quit drugs or leave that abusive relationship, then your thoughts, your mind is weak. No one said it was wrong, to ME, it says you need to strengthen your brain. Train yourself with positive thoughts, forget that pain by distracting yourself and learn to ride it out. Get help if you need it; I did, at 36 years old. I finally came to terms with the fact that my mom really is a narcissist because I finally got sober. I went between many different chemicals while drinking alcohol for 15 years or so.

I woke up for ME this time

I was done helping others, thanks to my mom, my neighbors and Boston. Michael from Connecticut mirrored ME and we showed each other what we learned, what we can do and what we were looking for in a True Love partner. We even helped each other learn how we were going to best talk to and deal with our True Loves. We met the first time I went to the psychiatric ward in Geisinger Danville, July 11, 2016. A Man named Michael, from Connecticut, stuck in MY town, lost and playing Christmas music on the Piano for ME from Day One of my stay. When I cut myself to show others how much words hurt, bullying and took a vacation in the mental ward because I was poor. And hiding from a guy who was from Boston. Hanging out with a Man from Connecticut. Fast forward 6 months, I try to kill myself and end up in the Psyche Ward again, with an even more amazing experience. With a Man from Bloomsburg, who doesn't look like anyone I have ever met. He has one tattoo, Anomaly. I stand by what I say. I met more addicts in this place, of course, I've attracted them my whole life and have been called the Mom since my teenage years. Probably since around the age my daughter is NOW. Most of the addicts I met in the psyche ward, got the help they needed and enjoyed the vacation. A lot of them even admitted that it helps them but then something traumatic happens, they start using and so they check them selves in before they end up dead. Something WE are all capable of. MIND and Will power, all the way. Believe you can do it and just do it.

And thank you Facebook for notifying me of a like on the featured pic just now, I was just going to find it and download it for this blog <3

"Superman (It's Not Easy)"

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I don’t even know

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Finally, something to say about my mother. So many want to claim that it is ungrateful but they just don't understand. She bought some food and cigarettes for me. You want to think it's nice and want me to be grateful. But why ?? I am 36 and I have busted my ass to live the life I want. I have my own food money and I have lots of tobacco and tubes, I quit smoking that brand of cigarettes that were making me sicker. I can't be grateful. I am an adult. A 36 year old adult. I have a right to pick my own food. I have a right to get rides or make my own list. I am not thankful to be stuck in this house and let my mother make my choices for me. Especially when she chooses to ignore me and not listen to me. How is that right ?? Why can't she let me make my own choices ?? Why can't she let me buy my own food and help me pay a bill instead of wasting her money ??

Well, it may be hard for you to believe but I know that it is just another way for her to control me and get what she wants. Why can't people see that ?? C'mon, I've asked her for two weeks to please pay the house insurance. It's not much but of course she refuses. And yeah, I know, you think food is more important but I told you, I have my own food money, her money could have been spent on something else. Something just as important. Especially when half the food she bought will not get eaten and then she will bitch about that forever.  She didn't even buy food, she bought snacks. Yeah, she's just trying to suck up to me and get me to give her this house. But if I give her this house, what will I do and where will I go ?? Start over and live off the government ?? She would love that and I'm getting real close to giving in and doing so and forgetting about all the work I have put into making a better life.

 

For real, she made her sister drive here from all the way across town and take her to the store. While I sit here with a car, wanting to get my own food and crying because no one will take me. How ridiculous is that ??  I don't even force my thirteen year old to eat food she doesn't like. She gets to make her own list and I make her whatever she wants. Why is it so hard for my mom to be that way ??  After all these years and all these fights, you would think she would communicate and want to find out how to help make me happy, right ?? But she can't even offer me a ride in my own car when I offered to let her borrow it any time she wants. Can you say manipulative ??

 

Hence the picture. I'm not happy because this is not my reality. I don't want this life. I don't want this house and I'm tired of  being alone. I want to live. I want to explore the World. And I want to make love every damn day with someone. So why the fuck am I stuck in this bullshit life ??