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Right Here

9:19 pm I wasn’t going to make a post but then I posted a song on Facebook saying how I haven’t heard it in years but that it answered the questions in my mind, I still love and after a year and a half, I’m still Right Here waiting.

First I want to talk about my health, I have a really bad sinus infection. The doctor at the clinic reminded me that I was there almost exactly 5 years ago with one. And that’s the last time I had one. Before the tumors, I would get at least one a year, if not two. And stupid me has been thinking about it and wondering if I was finally done with sinus infections. But strangely, I’m actually happy to have one. I’m definitely getting better, physically anyway. Those tumors really fucked me up. So getting a sinus infection means, to me, that my body is going back to its old shit. Mentally I’m doing good. I’m thinking and concentrating a lot better. Emotionally I’m still fucked. My antidepressants have been upped because I started crying often again. And it’s helping, a lot. I just wish I didn’t need them. But I guess that’s the point of them, right ?? To help me get better and I won’t as long as I’m still also physically and mentally healing. I just can’t believe it’s been almost three years since I had the tumors removed and I’m still healing.

I’m also still bummed that I’ve been thru all this shit the past three years alone and I’m still alone. Two years and seven months since I’ve even kissed someone and it’s hurting. I slept almost 24 hours today. Of course I got up several times to pee, get a drink and check on all my babies. But my head hurt so bad that I couldn’t stand being awake. I was asked to give a ride this evening, last minute, but one I love getting, they pay with bud :)) Oh how I needed some. I haven’t had for a couple weeks and with this sinus infection, it is so nice to have a little. When I arrived at their work, it was packed so I just parked in the road with my four ways on. My ride wasn’t quite done and I had to move up a bit for someone to park. That’s when my jaw dropped and my heart raced…a guy got out of the car to direct the driver who wanted to back in. This guy looked like Donnie. I started panicking and wanted to say his name to see if it was him. But as I got a good look at him, I realized that he was paler, seemed taller and didn’t have the cowlick that Donnie has. I was still panicking tho and wondering, could it really be ?? Then the guys parents got out and I knew, it wasn’t him. The dad looked almost like his but the mom didn’t. And then they started talking and I heard something about them stilling being 99 miles away. Couldn’t be them. And the guy who looked like Donnie, didn’t sound like him.

That’s one of the things that bothers me, I can’t remember His voice. I still see His face, every day, and think about Him. Every day. I don’t know what to think. I don’t even know what to believe anymore. About anything at all. Lately I wonder why I still think about Him and see His face. Why can’t I hear His voice ?? Is it because He thinks about me still or am I once again just hopelessly waiting for someone I can’t have.

After dropping my ride off at home, I decided to turn on the radio. Which I rarely do anymore. Some days I’m just not ready to deal with whatever emotions I’m gonna get from the songs playing. But when I do turn up the radio lately, I end up hearing something that makes me happy. That helps me have faith in what I always believed in but struggle to since the mess with Boston.

“Right Here” by SWV. Oh how I loved them. I owned the cassette tape of that album. It was my fave for a long time. And that song answers my questions. Of course Donnie is thinking of me also. I see His twins to remind me. I haven’t met anyone else. And seeing the guy with his parents, probably means I’ll be seeing Him soon, as I met Him and saw His parents every day. I’ve often thought how it would be great to see Him at Walmart or Home Depot, with His parents, after getting out, and that He would want me to take Him with me. Away from them. Hmmm…..

Now I’m remembering my dreams from my last sleep….I was flying everywhere. It was wonderful. Even tho I couldn’t see if I had arms, wings or wtf !!??!! And I lived in a nice, new home….with a man’s face I did not get to see.