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Right Here

9:19 pm I wasn’t going to make a post but then I posted a song on Facebook saying how I haven’t heard it in years but that it answered the questions in my mind, I still love and after a year and a half, I’m still Right Here waiting.

First I want to talk about my health, I have a really bad sinus infection. The doctor at the clinic reminded me that I was there almost exactly 5 years ago with one. And that’s the last time I had one. Before the tumors, I would get at least one a year, if not two. And stupid me has been thinking about it and wondering if I was finally done with sinus infections. But strangely, I’m actually happy to have one. I’m definitely getting better, physically anyway. Those tumors really fucked me up. So getting a sinus infection means, to me, that my body is going back to its old shit. Mentally I’m doing good. I’m thinking and concentrating a lot better. Emotionally I’m still fucked. My antidepressants have been upped because I started crying often again. And it’s helping, a lot. I just wish I didn’t need them. But I guess that’s the point of them, right ?? To help me get better and I won’t as long as I’m still also physically and mentally healing. I just can’t believe it’s been almost three years since I had the tumors removed and I’m still healing.

I’m also still bummed that I’ve been thru all this shit the past three years alone and I’m still alone. Two years and seven months since I’ve even kissed someone and it’s hurting. I slept almost 24 hours today. Of course I got up several times to pee, get a drink and check on all my babies. But my head hurt so bad that I couldn’t stand being awake. I was asked to give a ride this evening, last minute, but one I love getting, they pay with bud :)) Oh how I needed some. I haven’t had for a couple weeks and with this sinus infection, it is so nice to have a little. When I arrived at their work, it was packed so I just parked in the road with my four ways on. My ride wasn’t quite done and I had to move up a bit for someone to park. That’s when my jaw dropped and my heart raced…a guy got out of the car to direct the driver who wanted to back in. This guy looked like Donnie. I started panicking and wanted to say his name to see if it was him. But as I got a good look at him, I realized that he was paler, seemed taller and didn’t have the cowlick that Donnie has. I was still panicking tho and wondering, could it really be ?? Then the guys parents got out and I knew, it wasn’t him. The dad looked almost like his but the mom didn’t. And then they started talking and I heard something about them stilling being 99 miles away. Couldn’t be them. And the guy who looked like Donnie, didn’t sound like him.

That’s one of the things that bothers me, I can’t remember His voice. I still see His face, every day, and think about Him. Every day. I don’t know what to think. I don’t even know what to believe anymore. About anything at all. Lately I wonder why I still think about Him and see His face. Why can’t I hear His voice ?? Is it because He thinks about me still or am I once again just hopelessly waiting for someone I can’t have.

After dropping my ride off at home, I decided to turn on the radio. Which I rarely do anymore. Some days I’m just not ready to deal with whatever emotions I’m gonna get from the songs playing. But when I do turn up the radio lately, I end up hearing something that makes me happy. That helps me have faith in what I always believed in but struggle to since the mess with Boston.

“Right Here” by SWV. Oh how I loved them. I owned the cassette tape of that album. It was my fave for a long time. And that song answers my questions. Of course Donnie is thinking of me also. I see His twins to remind me. I haven’t met anyone else. And seeing the guy with his parents, probably means I’ll be seeing Him soon, as I met Him and saw His parents every day. I’ve often thought how it would be great to see Him at Walmart or Home Depot, with His parents, after getting out, and that He would want me to take Him with me. Away from them. Hmmm…..

Now I’m remembering my dreams from my last sleep….I was flying everywhere. It was wonderful. Even tho I couldn’t see if I had arms, wings or wtf !!??!! And I lived in a nice, new home….with a man’s face I did not get to see.

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9/26/18 Wednesday

5:22 am I have been unsuccessfully trying to change my sleep schedule for months now. I want to be up during the days but my body just won’t do it. An old ‘friend’ said hi and asked if anything was new. That Scorpio I was picking on before, who blocked me for quite some time. Ha. I told him he wouldn’t stay away. He even sent me a friend request. I said nothing (is new). But that’s a lie. It has been a really long time since I talked to him or you. The biggest reason is that I am without a computer again. Kinda. My laptop works sometimes but I don’t have Internet anymore.

Physically I’m still not 100 but I am doing better. Of course it still hurts during my period with all the bloating but rarely hurts any other time. It sucks that I’m one of the ones who takes forever to heal from surgery. It’s been almost three years and I’m still not recovered. I’m still depressed, lazy and stuck. You would think that since my mother finally moved out that I’d be happier. But I’m not. She gave me two weeks notice and has been out for almost three months now. She didn’t go far enough away tho, she moved into my grandparents old place, down the driveway where my uncle was living. And she still interferes with my life a lot and there’s things I still can’t do because of her meddling.

We lost Killian. A really sad story that I’m not ready to share. I still bawl every time I think of him and tell his story. Lucky misses him most. Lucky was not ok for months. He just recently started coming in the house again. He was outside waiting and looking for his pal for a long time. We rescued another litter from Killian, Amelia and Jasper’s Mom. She had five that time. She is currently taking care of another litter but I don’t know how many this time. We took the five and call them monsters because that’s how they are when canned cat food is around. They are the sweetest and best litter of kittens I’ve ever had tho. They are all well behaved and love to cuddle. They were extremely sick when I first got them, which is why I took them. We nursed them back to health and now I’m struggling to find them homes. Part of me is glad, I have fallen in love with them and will bawl when they leave. About a month after taking them in, I found a kitten sitting along a main road, near a Walmart. Of course I picked her up. We named her Angel and she came down with an eye infection and now needs surgery to have the remainder of the eye removed so that it doesn’t get infected again. I have a fundraiser on Facebook to help pay for it because I can’t afford it and have been unable to find any resources that help with sick kittens. I’ve shared it on Mystic Starlite’s Facebook if you want to follow the links and donate.

About a month after that, I was helping a local rescue trap some ferals. We found a litter of four kittens and I got talked into keeping them because no one had room. Good thing my mother moved out. These four have a room to themselves and thankfully they are very healthy. Three black boys and one tiger girl. Two of the boys are starting to be friendly with us, the other two are still scared but they let us hold them. They just hiss and sometimes growl at us when we reach for them but then they just hide in your shirt, refusing to look at you. I’m confident they will come around and that I can find homes for the black ones, I might get stuck with the girl tho but she is really pretty so maybe not.

I delivered papers again for awhile but hated it this time and quit. Now I’m just doing Uber and collecting child support. I’m dreading getting a ‘real’ job, I will hate it and only become more depressed. I know it’s possible to find a man who will take care of me and a home….I just don’t know where to find him. I deleted my online profiles, I haven’t met anyone, I hate the idea of meeting someone online and I just don’t see it happening. But I’m also getting impatient and wondering if I really will meet someone out and about, just living life. I’m trying to clean and organize my house, I had a dream a little over a year ago that I was moving into a new home. And I’ve been dreaming it again. I still have no idea how or if it’s alone but I do know that it’s going to happen. I fear that I’m going to be stuck in this house all winter tho. It sucks. That’s why I’m not happy about my mother moving out, it made me finally accept that this house needs way too much work and I need to get out. But I don’t know how and it’s causing me to be extremely depressed.

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Blah

Sorry. My life is really fucking shitty right now. Just when I thought things were finally looking up, no, they get worse. And I no longer have a computer. I won’t be writing for awhile. Not that it matters, no one really fucking cares anyway 

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Goodbye

2:35 am

I’m done with all this. I’ve been trying for long enough. So many ‘friends’ claimed they would help and support me. But no one will even share my jewelry posts, blog posts…..nothing. I’m not getting customers or followers. One friend has faithfully visited this page often just to click on some ads for me. I’ve been hearing soon for two years. Soon for love. Soon for money. Soon is never coming. I packed up all my crystals, even the ones I usually wear. I give up. I’m going to work at McDonald’s, for the government, for a corporation. I’m done trying to live my dream and it’s really breaking my heart. Big time. I’m just going to be a regular nobody and do whatever I can to survive. It’s all I can do. And get my meds changed, I’m back to crying all the time.

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Real Life Dreams

6:42 am    I started this the other day, immediately after the last one but couldn't decide what all I wanted to talk about. I titled it and left it blank while I thought about it. I'm so glad I did. I think I have mentioned that my dreams have been really strange and fucked up, right ?? Well, the other night, I finally decided to make my own sleep mask. The ones I've been using are getting old and stretched out. I haven't even been using them. I had been thinking about it for awhile, trying to decide what crystals I was going to put on it, over my third eye. I have been trying for a really long time to figure out which one to use. First I tried all the suggested ones for your third eye but of course had no luck. You wonder why ?? Because most of them are Aquarius and Pisces stones. They are my Sun, Mercury, Venus and Psyche. Aquarius meaning I Know and Pisces meaning I Believe. AND....both are my South Node. The things I know and use too much. I finally decided that Tigers Eye is going to be my third eye stone for my headdress. I'm thinking and hoping this is the final one. I've made I think five already, only to tear them up and start over. But the Tigers Eye wasn't working for dreams. Well, the other night, it finally dawned on me, duh, of course I should be using stones for my Moon signs. The Moon is your mind and dreams are in your mind. Well, I hit the jackpot. I picked the perfect stones.....

 

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I cut a piece from a scarf that I intended on making something with. It's the perfect material, so soft. I'm going to pull out my twenty dollar sewing machine later and hope it's strong enough to sew the velcro on. It's pinned on with safety pins right now and they hurt my head when I'm sleeping. I wish I could remember what night I made it and started wearing it. Tuesday or Wednesday night. And my dreams have been magnificent. Still weird but that's not unusual, the weird parts are what tell me to look up and pay attention to. Woo hoo.....MY prophetic dreams are back !! (the stones are Green Jade, Bloodstone, Malachite, Peridot, Red Jasper and Lapis Lazuli)

Which is why I choose the title I did for this. My dreams are Real and tell me the future. For me AND my loved ones. So Thursday morning, I was dreaming that I was back at Penn Tech. The college I went to about 12 years ago. I was even in class sitting next to a guy who looked just like the kid I sat next to in one of my computer programming classes back then. On break, I went for a walk around campus, which was more like a mall, found a bathroom and puked my guts out. It was so disgusting, I will spare you the details on how gross. Thankfully there was a shower in there because I puked on my lower legs as well and was so glad I was wearing a short dress. I was horrified when I woke up. But then I googled what it means to dream of vomiting. Of course, it means rejecting something. All I could think was my mother. I mean, after the day we had Wednesday, with her trying to tell me what she thinks I should do with my life, I'm pretty sure I'm right.

Thursday, my dog had to go get a booster shot. Of course my mom made the appointment since she had to drive. And as usual, she scheduled it around lunch time and had to drive thru traffic. Grr....and I will keep that visit out for now, I'm super pissed about the place I was forced to go and it's a long story for another day. After taking my dog back home, I was talked into going to a yard sale with her. She's been bugging me to go for almost a week. A huge one that is run by the ARC, Animal Rescue Center. Our local pet rescue. Every summer they do this, all summer long. They take donations and keep all the proceeds for the shelter. This year, they are taking up the entire grandstand at the Bloomsburg fairgrounds. The place is full and getting packed. Did I tell you that she, my mother, told me the other day that she didn't have enough money to help me pay my car on time ?? I knew she was lying. Going down the hill yesterday, she told me that she needed to stop for gas, then we would stop for a Dunkin coffee for me and then she says we will stop at the bank so she can give me money for my car  😮

Oh, yeah, I had a hard time keeping my cool after that. Of course I had to, she was handing me money and taking me shopping. Even tho I wasn't happy about going there, definitely not with her. And of course, she started out walking with me. I was getting so frustrated, she kept pointing out shit and saying, don't you need that or want that ?? As if I'm the blind one and can't see this shit. I was so fucking happy when she announced that she had to pee and would have to go find a bathroom. She was gone for so long that I was almost done going thru the place when she finally got back. She had to walk all the way to the other side of the fairgrounds to find an open bathroom. HAHAHA. It was nice to get to shop in peace and look for things that I want. I almost screamed when I found this....

 

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Volunteers put stuff out on the tables and they obviously had no idea what this is really worth. The first couple tables inside the door are things that are priced and worth money, the rest goes in bags and you pay per bag. This ended up being $1, my grand total $21, the price I would pay for just this brand new  😀

The last thing I remember her pointing out and trying to get me was a fucking throw rug. Apparently she's still pissed that I tore out all my carpet and refuse to have any. Just like she can't even remember that I have allergies. On the way to this place, she noticed the big ass zit on my face and asked if it was a hive. When I said no, it's a zit, she said 'yeah, I didn't think you got hives.' What the fuck is wrong with this woman ?? She's already forgotten that I had an allergy test one year ago and am extremely allergic to cats, dogs and dust so yes, I do get hives, lots of them. Not to mention that I need more testing done yet because I almost stopped breathing from an asthma attack after SHE cleaned my entire house with chemicals !!!

GRRRRR....anyway, the featured pic at the top is the stuff I got that I really love. I got plenty more, including a whole bunch of rings to make dream catchers with  🙂

I was so relieved by the time we got home. All I could think was that it was hopefully the last time I will have to ride with her or get money from her. Do I feel bad about taking her money ?? HELL NO. She is the one who jinxed me three days after I got out of the psyche ward, on the way to my first group therapy appointment. She said not to be surprised if the doctor makes me go to neurology and wait six months for my license. And look what happened. My bitch doctor refused to help me, forced me to find a neurologist and wait. And remember, that neurologist agreed with the DMV, any one of my doctors could have filled out that seizure form. But they all said no or ignored me. Except my psychiatrists of course but they were not allowed to fill out that one. They were more than willing to. But like I said, my mom jinxed me. My very own mother. One of the reasons I love my Bloodstone so much. It protects you from black magick and that woman is definitely black magick.

My dream this morning proved it. She invaded my dreams again. Showed up in a new house to take me somewhere. Going down the road however, the roads were flooding. Everything was flooding, it was getting crazy. So she turned around and flew back to that house, my new house. I was pissed and yelling at her to slow down so I could take pictures. She said 'no, that's what the news is for.' I yelled back 'well duh, they get their pictures and videos from stupid people out in it like us.' She didn't say a word after that but still sped back to that house. When we got there, she walked down stairs, so I followed. Turned out she was going to the basement to hang her coat up and I decided to grab that door, slam it shut and lock her in. HAHAHA. So what does all that mean ?? The flooding means that she is the one causing me so much stress and turmoil. Of course. Us talking about the news means that I'm right about sharing all this and helping others, some one has to do it. And me locking her in the basement, well that was me shutting her out of my mind, my emotions and my life.

So really now, who wants to try telling me that dreams are just dreams again ?? I'm tired of hearing it. Dreams are real and they are guides. Even the Indians believe it and have for a very long fucking time. Don't you know where dream catchers originated and why ?? Look it up....Ojibwe Indians....

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I finally re-learned how to wrap a stone with macrame and wrapped my white agate so that I can tie it to my hand and not lose it while I'm sleeping. I have also been holding one of my green aventurine with the agate, in my left. Why my left ?? I'm right handed, which means my right is my giving hand and my left my receiving. I want everything I receive to be cleansed and pure. I also want money and adventure  😀

As for the rest of you, I've told you and told you that I do not want to talk about this shit. When are you going to learn that I live for the future ?? I dream about the future, I want the future and I want it now. I wanted it years ago and I'm real sick of talking about my past and my feelings just so you can understand. No, it does not make me feel better. That's why I write this blog, I get it out, say what I need to without being asked questions or persuaded into thinking differently. NO. This is MY LIFE. If you truly respect me and care about me, give me my space like I asked and butt out. Stop forcing me to hide on Facebook.  I can't enjoy it if you are all emailing me the very second I log on wanting to talk, when I'm there to scroll or find shit, not talk.  I Know what I want, I Know how I feel and I definitely know who is against me. Another reason I don't feel bad about taking my mothers money right now. My brother and I both told her to stay at her job three more years because she would get a significant amount of more money from the government. But no, she just had to leave. She knew I was going back to school full time and would need help but she didn't care, she could only think about herself. And it hurt my life so much......because she has been here, thinking about how much she wants me to stay here and be her little girl forever and do whatever she wants. With my life and MY House. So.....as long she feels that way and continues to keep me from finding true love, then I will be a child and she can keep paying my bills. HAHAHA

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Really ???

6:41 am According to my wordpress account, my last blog post was viewed over 300 times. So does that mean you people are reading but not helping me make money ?? Because I have not made one cent off of that post. In fact, no one is helping me make money at all. I am so fed up at this point that I am ready to delete everything. My blog, my facebook, my businesses. I have put a lot of work into this shit, was told by many to go for it and they would support me and look....it's real fucking easy to help me make money. Is anyone buying readings when they use to beg for them and they are now available. NO. And is anyone buying my jewelry that they insisted I make and sell because they want it. NO. Fuck this damn World and humans. I am so fucking sick of this Hell. I want out of this life.

 

P.S.  Someone tried commenting on here that I'm too angry. No lady, that's you. I'm hurt, sad, lonely and extremely horny. But when people like you assume that you know how I feel by reading one post and then have the nerve to say it, that does make me angry. Don't fucking tell me that you know how I feel. Why don't you go 16 months without sex, cuddling or any other form of closeness while going thru the hell that I have ?? Try dealing with doctors and the DMV for months on end just so you can be "allowed" to drive after a suicide attempt. Maybe you wouldn't be so quick to judge someone's words.

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Music

2:19 pm I'm listening to music the first time for a little over a month.I started with "Never There" by Cake. It's about all I've thought about. I couldn't stand not listening to music for most of my life. The last two years, I haven't much. Something about all the energy and emotions. I made a playlist for today on my Spotify. I'm going to relax for awhile, here's a poem I wrote many years ago:

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