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Full Moon Weekend

8:35 pm I want to start by touching on my last post a little, 'can you change a narcissist' ?? I hope no one thought it meant my mom was healed or cured or whatever. She still has her moments. Like Friday. What a day that was. My daughter finally said she was ready to go to the Millville carnival so we all got in my car to go. My mom bitched about my driving as soon as I pulled out of the driveway. She didn't like that I pulled out and went down the back road. She thinks I'm scraping my car and should be turning around at the intersection. Then she continued to talk and bitch the whole way there. So much that I turned the wrong way, went by McDonald's and headed towards Washingtonville. We went on out that way tho and it seems to be quicker than going over the hills so I will probably go that way more often now. And what a waste, the carnival didn't even open yet. Ugh.

Later, my aunt came over so then we made her drive. By then, I had a visitor stop by and give me some bud. Oh that was nice. I felt so much better and it was so much easier dealing with my mom. That ride was great. My daughter and I sat in back with ear plugs in and the older ladies sat up front talking. Then, at the carnival, my daughter and I walked around by ourselves a little, got rained on and ran into them. It poured for about ten minutes. Felt like the longest ten minutes ever. Then my brother and his boys showed up. Much better after that. And we didn't stay much longer. I ate a lot, fresh cut fries loaded with vinegar and salt, raspberry ice cream and an apple dumpling to go.

Saturday my daughter and I went to a fundraiser thing to sell some clothes and jewelry. But not many people showed up. By the time we left, others told us there was too much going on in other towns that day, no one expected it to be that slow. We sold a few books and stuff, made just enough money to eat and get drinks. Boo. I'm still extremely poor. Only one person is making me money on this blog. I'm not suppose to ask people to click on my ads, but fuck google, I want to make money and most of you are not aware that the only way I can is if you click on those ads. You don't have to buy anything, just click on them. Please. And please check out my shop. Share it for me too please. Help me get some business because Facebook does not want to help and they keep people from seeing my posts. They want my money for ads and I refuse to pay. I have not talked to anyone who says that Facebook ads actually helped, quite the opposite, everyone I have talked to says it's a waste of money.

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So yeah, we picked up another kitten. Killian and Amelia's brother. We named him Jasper. My daughter wanted to name him something to do with the ocean since he has such blue eyes. I immediately thought of ocean jasper, the stone. He has similar colors to some of it. So we agreed on Jasper. At first he was really scared, getting a bath and then meeting the dogs must have been quite a lot. He seemed pretty happy to be with his siblings, even tho he was afraid to play with them at first. After a couple hours tho, he was in there wrestling with them so much that I almost had to split them up from hurting each other. And today the poor guy has a sore eye. I don't know what he got into but it was all dirty and red a little bit ago. He's more of an explorer than Amelia, we can't even find him half the time. Nor has he picked who he likes more. Amelia loves my daughter, Killian loves me. Jasper is still deciding. My mom thinks she's going to steal him. HAha. She has owned many Siamese, even two full bred ones, this one is ours. Well, I can't think of anything else to write. Just please share my shop items and help me make some money, I really don't want to go work at McDonald's but I'm going to have to if business doesn't pick up soon. I got bills to pay.

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Can you change a narcissist ??

11:01 pm Lots of people say NO. Impossible. But I have learned otherwise. But....they may not want to change. I am going to go over how to help both, the ones who do want to change and those who don't.

First and foremost, you have to believe in the power of thoughts and healing stones. If not, you might as well stop reading now. You also have to be close enough and brave enough to do what needs done. You will also need sea salt, old railroad spikes (please pick up ones that have fallen out, do Not remove them), black tourmaline and clear quartz. If you can afford some orgonite, that would be great also. You have to salt around their entire house. You may have to do it several times over a few weeks. The railroad spikes, black tourmaline, quartz and orgonite should be placed around the four corners, outside. If the house is odd shaped like mine, you will have to use a little imagination and surround the area. If they live in an apartment, they obviously have to be open to it and willing to let you place these things inside. But clearly you can do this outside without their knowledge. They will appreciate it some day, I promise.

What is Orgonite ?? (click on pic above to buy some)

Orgonite energy devices are one of the most effective ways that I have found to raise the vibrations in the environment that surrounds you. The combination of resin, metals and programmed crystals creates a strong protective force that also assists in counteracting any negative vibrations from electrical appliances, electromagnetic bombardment that can disrupt your energy system and subtle bodies.
All of the devises are programmed to carry and emit the highest vibrations. They also can be programmed for specific healing for the individual and work well for pets and plants too!  It strengthens your body’s energy field, helping to protect you from man-made EMF radiation and negative energy. Orgonite can help improve your life physically, emotionally and spiritually.

And that's just to start. If you want to help or have to help, as I had to with my mom, you most likely have the strength and you can do it. Especially if they want to change. That was what took so long with my mom. She didn't want to change, she hates change and of course, she thought she was perfect. Unfortunately it took my grandfather's death and me attempting suicide before she finally wanted to change.

And of course me being honest and telling her to face that she was a narcissist and treated me like shit. Several times, over many months I said it before she finally accepted it and was willing to work on things. You have to do that too. You can't play nice, you can't beat around the bush; you must be firm, rude and to the point. I have found that a lot of narcissists don't even realize that they are one. That's how self absorbed and damaged they are. Yes, most narcs are damaged and guarded, causing them to be this way. And no, you can't save them all. You can only try with the ones who are willing or whom you absolutely have to deal with or live with. Trust me, if you can live your life without them, it's much better to just let them go.

It takes a lot of patience, fights and hurt feelings (on your part) but if it must be done, you can do it. You should also protect yourself, especially when around them. I highly suggest wearing Bloodstone. Yes, there are many others but that one seems to work best and it is also good for your overall health, so just get some already. You definitely want to cleanse yourself as often as possible, most especially after dealing with them. I recommend saging yourself and then taking a hot shower or bath. If you bathe, put sea salt in your water. Yeah, you can sprinkle some over you before a shower also, it works, I have done it. But if you have good water, just a shower will work also. It does not have to be at Full Moon but it is the most powerful time. The Moon is always there, just because we can't see it, does not mean that it's not powerful.

There's more but I'm drawing blank thoughts right now so I will add more when I think of it. And of course, any questions or recommendations, please comment below. Have a Happy 4th of July everyone and be safe. Don't forget to request Uber if you get too drunk !!!

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“My Hero” Foo Fighters

10:36 pm Feeling better thanks to some rants and posts on Facebook, told by several to keep going. I don't have much to say, it's been a long, rough day. The only thing I want to write about it is my beliefs. As they have come into question by several folks lately. Over drug addiction. I shared this pic and got some heated responses. It started with a girl I met on Facebook when I made my new account, I was looking for a different Candi, we had mutual friends. A year later, we have met and been hanging out. Even after finding out that we both dated Home Depot. We talked about it once for a few minutes and moved on. But today, she exploded over this. Her issue was that it says you have a weak mind. She doesn't believe that. I thought we agreed that it was personal opinion and we obviously felt differently.

I knew that when I started this journey, starting a blog and Facebook business announcing who I am and never holding back, would be difficult. But I didn't expect it to lead me to attempting suicide. I have opened up arguments with complete strangers in many groups. Some of these immediately became friendships, others getting people blocked and getting kicked out of groups for being better at this than the administrators. Being an Empath Shaman and mirroring people....showing them who they are by taking on their feelings and words and giving them right back. Some people see Love, some people see Hate, they see what they should see in their self.

SO....I did my best to keep my cool with her but she continued to comment and rant on my post, told off one my bestest friends and supporters, told me I wasn't a Real Shaman, in way many more words, went to MY Empath group, found a post I made and ranted on that. Thru all this, I asked her to stop several times. First being as nice as possible, then straight up telling her that she was being a bitch. Then she started tagging me in posts. I felt like she was trying to force her opinion down my throat. So I blocked her. I just recently unblocked her tho, I think she's over it now. I was fine with agreeing to disagree but she pushed me too far.

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I Believe that Life is what You make it. With your thoughts, your mind, your soul, that You are a God and have the power to do what You want. It's not easy, especially with so many billion people in the World. I guess that's why there are so many Angels here now with US. I have many. Tony's, Mike's, many B-day Twins. They are Real and we help each other, all of US. If you don't Believe in You, how can anyone else ?? If you don't think you can quit drugs or leave that abusive relationship, then your thoughts, your mind is weak. No one said it was wrong, to ME, it says you need to strengthen your brain. Train yourself with positive thoughts, forget that pain by distracting yourself and learn to ride it out. Get help if you need it; I did, at 36 years old. I finally came to terms with the fact that my mom really is a narcissist because I finally got sober. I went between many different chemicals while drinking alcohol for 15 years or so.

I woke up for ME this time

I was done helping others, thanks to my mom, my neighbors and Boston. Michael from Connecticut mirrored ME and we showed each other what we learned, what we can do and what we were looking for in a True Love partner. We even helped each other learn how we were going to best talk to and deal with our True Loves. We met the first time I went to the psychiatric ward in Geisinger Danville, July 11, 2016. A Man named Michael, from Connecticut, stuck in MY town, lost and playing Christmas music on the Piano for ME from Day One of my stay. When I cut myself to show others how much words hurt, bullying and took a vacation in the mental ward because I was poor. And hiding from a guy who was from Boston. Hanging out with a Man from Connecticut. Fast forward 6 months, I try to kill myself and end up in the Psyche Ward again, with an even more amazing experience. With a Man from Bloomsburg, who doesn't look like anyone I have ever met. He has one tattoo, Anomaly. I stand by what I say. I met more addicts in this place, of course, I've attracted them my whole life and have been called the Mom since my teenage years. Probably since around the age my daughter is NOW. Most of the addicts I met in the psyche ward, got the help they needed and enjoyed the vacation. A lot of them even admitted that it helps them but then something traumatic happens, they start using and so they check them selves in before they end up dead. Something WE are all capable of. MIND and Will power, all the way. Believe you can do it and just do it.

And thank you Facebook for notifying me of a like on the featured pic just now, I was just going to find it and download it for this blog <3

"Superman (It's Not Easy)"

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“Broke” Modest Mouse

4:12 pm I knew it has been awhile but damn, nine days since I last wrote. And it must have been a good one, it has more views than any other post. But what to write ?? First, I was clearly wrong about my two choices. Someone totally unexpected has shown up in my life and been hanging out here with me at my house. And for all you nosy fucks, no, nothing is going on. Not that it's anyone's business but we didn't even touch until yesterday and today. Yesterday, I helped him cut his hair and he cleaned up my neck for me. And today, that was just to pass my phone back and forth looking at fidget spinners. Yeah, that's right, I told you before, I can have a male in my bed, sleeping next to me and not get naked. I admit it's hard with this one. I do like him. A lot. And he is sexy. And yeah, we did have sex before. He's the only guy I've been naked with in the last two years. But I know what I want, he's not so sure. He thinks he knows but he doesn't. I think I've helped him realize that the last few days. He has decided to move in with his grandpa, not me.

The first night he stayed here, I dreamed about him. And a whole bunch of other people as well. I got the impression that we are truly meant to be just friends. He did call me his soul sister a long time ago. It hurt a lot at the time. I was still possessed and sick. It was way before I cut myself and met Micheal. I was lost, scared and very alone. I didn't want to believe him at the time, I wanted more. I didn't want to be alone. But he disappeared and I had no choice. So yeah, I do love this guy but I'm not sure that I can fall in love with him. He's awesome but something seems to be missing for us. I have no idea what, we get along great, enjoy each other's company and are definitely still attracted to each other. It's different and strange. I don't know what to make of it. Except that I still think about Donnie and see his face. I just can't let him go. I don't know if he likes me, wants to be with me or will give me what I want. I don't even know why I like him so much, I barely know him, definitely not as much as I know the guy here with me now.

And now I've convinced myself I know the answer. Of course Donnie likes me, I shouldn't doubt that. He proved it every day, all day when we were in that hospital together. He just didn't know how much. I'm older and want kids. And he was more pissed off that he was in there than he was concerned about me or his future. Especially with love, he's a male. And my last dream about him, we talked about kids, so he's definitely thinking about it. And now, getting to spend time with this other guy, it's helping me see that I'm right. I hear it all the time, how do you know when you've met the one ?? My answer has always been that I believe you will know. And I do. It wasn't easy for me, like it can be for some. And of course, I blame most of that on my mom and her wanting me to stay here with her forever. No one can tell me otherwise, she has not been here all week, she's staying at my brother's dog sitting. Things have been real easy, calm and amazing here for me. I absolutely need to get away from her.

I have got to mention that Scorpio Ryan has contacted me. He unblocked me just to tell me that I better stop writing about him or he will sue me. Then he blocked me again. LMAO. Do you know how many Scorpio's named Ryan are out there ?? I don't even know. I haven't even told anyone where in the World you live, your last name or anything that could help them know exactly who I am talking about. Fuck man, I've even whited out your pic in the screenshots of our conversations. No one knows you personally but me, so please, get over yourself. If you want to stalk me and read my blog, go right ahead but don't fucking harass me because I speak the truth and you're afraid that someone will confront you on it. Don't worry, no one cares enough but me and I have given up on you. If you don't like what I say about you, then maybe you should reconsider the way you talk to people and behave. And please, stop making me dream about you. You're still showing up in my dreams and I don't appreciate it.....

Now my problem is, do I get a job or are my online businesses going to finally start paying off ?? Because yes, I did finally get my license mailed back to me. It arrived on Friday with a letter telling me to drive safely. I can finally drive and apply for a job. I would love the paper route back but I need a whole lot of gas money to do that. You don't get paid for 2-3 weeks after starting and I am poor. I need around $10 a day to do my old route and I definitely can't afford that.

I've been asked about crystals a lot lately. On deciding which one is for you. I can't tell you. You have to go out there and pick the ones that speak to you. I can suggest many based on your birth chart but I don't know how they will work for you. Look at me, everyone loves black tourmaline and swears by it. It's even suppose to be good for all my Virgo.....but I hate it. It gives me anxiety and I can not use it. I try, I have lots of it to make stuff with and that is exactly what I am doing with ALL of it. Making things and getting it out of this house. I just can't use it. And who could predict that ?? No one but me. So really, just go hunting and pick the stones you really like. If you feel like you want it or need it, get it. Trust me, you will never stop at just one. It's like certain foods, you just can't have enough.

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Real Life Dreams

6:42 am    I started this the other day, immediately after the last one but couldn't decide what all I wanted to talk about. I titled it and left it blank while I thought about it. I'm so glad I did. I think I have mentioned that my dreams have been really strange and fucked up, right ?? Well, the other night, I finally decided to make my own sleep mask. The ones I've been using are getting old and stretched out. I haven't even been using them. I had been thinking about it for awhile, trying to decide what crystals I was going to put on it, over my third eye. I have been trying for a really long time to figure out which one to use. First I tried all the suggested ones for your third eye but of course had no luck. You wonder why ?? Because most of them are Aquarius and Pisces stones. They are my Sun, Mercury, Venus and Psyche. Aquarius meaning I Know and Pisces meaning I Believe. AND....both are my South Node. The things I know and use too much. I finally decided that Tigers Eye is going to be my third eye stone for my headdress. I'm thinking and hoping this is the final one. I've made I think five already, only to tear them up and start over. But the Tigers Eye wasn't working for dreams. Well, the other night, it finally dawned on me, duh, of course I should be using stones for my Moon signs. The Moon is your mind and dreams are in your mind. Well, I hit the jackpot. I picked the perfect stones.....

 

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I cut a piece from a scarf that I intended on making something with. It's the perfect material, so soft. I'm going to pull out my twenty dollar sewing machine later and hope it's strong enough to sew the velcro on. It's pinned on with safety pins right now and they hurt my head when I'm sleeping. I wish I could remember what night I made it and started wearing it. Tuesday or Wednesday night. And my dreams have been magnificent. Still weird but that's not unusual, the weird parts are what tell me to look up and pay attention to. Woo hoo.....MY prophetic dreams are back !! (the stones are Green Jade, Bloodstone, Malachite, Peridot, Red Jasper and Lapis Lazuli)

Which is why I choose the title I did for this. My dreams are Real and tell me the future. For me AND my loved ones. So Thursday morning, I was dreaming that I was back at Penn Tech. The college I went to about 12 years ago. I was even in class sitting next to a guy who looked just like the kid I sat next to in one of my computer programming classes back then. On break, I went for a walk around campus, which was more like a mall, found a bathroom and puked my guts out. It was so disgusting, I will spare you the details on how gross. Thankfully there was a shower in there because I puked on my lower legs as well and was so glad I was wearing a short dress. I was horrified when I woke up. But then I googled what it means to dream of vomiting. Of course, it means rejecting something. All I could think was my mother. I mean, after the day we had Wednesday, with her trying to tell me what she thinks I should do with my life, I'm pretty sure I'm right.

Thursday, my dog had to go get a booster shot. Of course my mom made the appointment since she had to drive. And as usual, she scheduled it around lunch time and had to drive thru traffic. Grr....and I will keep that visit out for now, I'm super pissed about the place I was forced to go and it's a long story for another day. After taking my dog back home, I was talked into going to a yard sale with her. She's been bugging me to go for almost a week. A huge one that is run by the ARC, Animal Rescue Center. Our local pet rescue. Every summer they do this, all summer long. They take donations and keep all the proceeds for the shelter. This year, they are taking up the entire grandstand at the Bloomsburg fairgrounds. The place is full and getting packed. Did I tell you that she, my mother, told me the other day that she didn't have enough money to help me pay my car on time ?? I knew she was lying. Going down the hill yesterday, she told me that she needed to stop for gas, then we would stop for a Dunkin coffee for me and then she says we will stop at the bank so she can give me money for my car  😮

Oh, yeah, I had a hard time keeping my cool after that. Of course I had to, she was handing me money and taking me shopping. Even tho I wasn't happy about going there, definitely not with her. And of course, she started out walking with me. I was getting so frustrated, she kept pointing out shit and saying, don't you need that or want that ?? As if I'm the blind one and can't see this shit. I was so fucking happy when she announced that she had to pee and would have to go find a bathroom. She was gone for so long that I was almost done going thru the place when she finally got back. She had to walk all the way to the other side of the fairgrounds to find an open bathroom. HAHAHA. It was nice to get to shop in peace and look for things that I want. I almost screamed when I found this....

 

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Volunteers put stuff out on the tables and they obviously had no idea what this is really worth. The first couple tables inside the door are things that are priced and worth money, the rest goes in bags and you pay per bag. This ended up being $1, my grand total $21, the price I would pay for just this brand new  😀

The last thing I remember her pointing out and trying to get me was a fucking throw rug. Apparently she's still pissed that I tore out all my carpet and refuse to have any. Just like she can't even remember that I have allergies. On the way to this place, she noticed the big ass zit on my face and asked if it was a hive. When I said no, it's a zit, she said 'yeah, I didn't think you got hives.' What the fuck is wrong with this woman ?? She's already forgotten that I had an allergy test one year ago and am extremely allergic to cats, dogs and dust so yes, I do get hives, lots of them. Not to mention that I need more testing done yet because I almost stopped breathing from an asthma attack after SHE cleaned my entire house with chemicals !!!

GRRRRR....anyway, the featured pic at the top is the stuff I got that I really love. I got plenty more, including a whole bunch of rings to make dream catchers with  🙂

I was so relieved by the time we got home. All I could think was that it was hopefully the last time I will have to ride with her or get money from her. Do I feel bad about taking her money ?? HELL NO. She is the one who jinxed me three days after I got out of the psyche ward, on the way to my first group therapy appointment. She said not to be surprised if the doctor makes me go to neurology and wait six months for my license. And look what happened. My bitch doctor refused to help me, forced me to find a neurologist and wait. And remember, that neurologist agreed with the DMV, any one of my doctors could have filled out that seizure form. But they all said no or ignored me. Except my psychiatrists of course but they were not allowed to fill out that one. They were more than willing to. But like I said, my mom jinxed me. My very own mother. One of the reasons I love my Bloodstone so much. It protects you from black magick and that woman is definitely black magick.

My dream this morning proved it. She invaded my dreams again. Showed up in a new house to take me somewhere. Going down the road however, the roads were flooding. Everything was flooding, it was getting crazy. So she turned around and flew back to that house, my new house. I was pissed and yelling at her to slow down so I could take pictures. She said 'no, that's what the news is for.' I yelled back 'well duh, they get their pictures and videos from stupid people out in it like us.' She didn't say a word after that but still sped back to that house. When we got there, she walked down stairs, so I followed. Turned out she was going to the basement to hang her coat up and I decided to grab that door, slam it shut and lock her in. HAHAHA. So what does all that mean ?? The flooding means that she is the one causing me so much stress and turmoil. Of course. Us talking about the news means that I'm right about sharing all this and helping others, some one has to do it. And me locking her in the basement, well that was me shutting her out of my mind, my emotions and my life.

So really now, who wants to try telling me that dreams are just dreams again ?? I'm tired of hearing it. Dreams are real and they are guides. Even the Indians believe it and have for a very long fucking time. Don't you know where dream catchers originated and why ?? Look it up....Ojibwe Indians....

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I finally re-learned how to wrap a stone with macrame and wrapped my white agate so that I can tie it to my hand and not lose it while I'm sleeping. I have also been holding one of my green aventurine with the agate, in my left. Why my left ?? I'm right handed, which means my right is my giving hand and my left my receiving. I want everything I receive to be cleansed and pure. I also want money and adventure  😀

As for the rest of you, I've told you and told you that I do not want to talk about this shit. When are you going to learn that I live for the future ?? I dream about the future, I want the future and I want it now. I wanted it years ago and I'm real sick of talking about my past and my feelings just so you can understand. No, it does not make me feel better. That's why I write this blog, I get it out, say what I need to without being asked questions or persuaded into thinking differently. NO. This is MY LIFE. If you truly respect me and care about me, give me my space like I asked and butt out. Stop forcing me to hide on Facebook.  I can't enjoy it if you are all emailing me the very second I log on wanting to talk, when I'm there to scroll or find shit, not talk.  I Know what I want, I Know how I feel and I definitely know who is against me. Another reason I don't feel bad about taking my mothers money right now. My brother and I both told her to stay at her job three more years because she would get a significant amount of more money from the government. But no, she just had to leave. She knew I was going back to school full time and would need help but she didn't care, she could only think about herself. And it hurt my life so much......because she has been here, thinking about how much she wants me to stay here and be her little girl forever and do whatever she wants. With my life and MY House. So.....as long she feels that way and continues to keep me from finding true love, then I will be a child and she can keep paying my bills. HAHAHA

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“Make Me Lose Control”

4:35 pm What a day so far. Well, two days, yesterday was something else. I stayed away from Facebook and kept myself occupied. Got in an argument with my mother. Of course, we didn't see each other for a few days, it was great. Then of course she was her usual self. I did my best to be nice but I ended up walking away, both of us mad. She was telling me what job she thinks I should get, then lead to telling me what kind of job my cousin should take. Even tho my cousin already has a really great paying job that she loves. It's not my mother's business nor mine. So I left and went back to my cave. She eventually left, taking the garbage and recycling as she has always promised to do if I would stay here. It was about time too, it was getting out of hand. I want to burn it but she bitches if I do and puts shit in my way or moves it. She's such a pain in the ass.

Princess wrote a comment again. I'm not going to accept this one either, for her sake. It was clear she didn't read the whole post or didn't understand it. She said something about calling the DMV back. I already got what I needed. And today I went to my psychiatrist to refill my meds. All the forms are now at the DMV and hopefully my license will be in the mail by Friday. Thanks for the late advice tho. Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself. I had to go thru a lot of shit to get that first form filled out, the seizure one. A lot of people don't know that if you have one seizure, you automatically lose your license for 6 months, unless you have a good doctor who will see you right away or already have an established neurologist. I had neither, so it took me four months to get a form filled out saying why I had a seizure. Then they send me another form, forcing me to declare that I'm not a substance abuser by a psychiatrist. Of course I had to know why. And sometimes you do have to be a bitch, let them know they are fucking up. When I called today, the lady was on lunch but the one who helped me, she knew that I needed both, so maybe they will pay more attention and start sending all the proper forms needed for when you have a seizure. The original letter to them stated that I had a seizure and why, they had to review it and they should have sent them all once. Once again, making life difficult for ME. Even my mother agreed that it seems like they singled me out.

Gee....I wonder why. Maybe because I share everything and help others who are in the same situation ?? One of my friends let me know that I would have to fill out an extra form, which just happen to be the one I needed faxed anyway.

Just like me getting in a fight with my mother again. Today. I had her take me early so I could get these forms taken care of. I'm pretty sure she sat out in the car, the whole time. It was a long meeting today, some of them talked a lot. Hahaha. And I was last. Haha. Well, by then, I was pretty pissed that she bought that old, ugly, stinky ass camper that is sitting in MY driveway and forgot to help me pay my car or just didn't care. And I'm not allowed to borrow the smelly thing, oh well. I'm not going to cry over it, but my car, yeah, I'm not going to be happy if I end up losing that. I was going to have her go to Dunkin again but as she pulling up to the main street, I remembered how she drives and we would have to go left, so I didn't ask. I was good, I kept my cool, even tho, as I told my psychiatrist, that at this point and me being 37, if I have to depend on this woman much longer, I just might choke her. She giggled and said that would not be good. My mother stopped at Puffs while I bitched about one of my friends. She bought me tobacco and tubes, as I told my doctor, I'm not ready to quit, not as long as I live with that woman.

My mom gave me money for my smoke supplies, I just happen to have enough to buy a lottery ticket. Wish me luck, if I win the jackpot, I will give my jewelry away. And my water, after I visit the fountain of youth again. Someone said we could go, if they could get a ride here. I have the vehicle, he has the license and wants a reading. I'm making him something too, he needs it and I need some of that water. I have to find containers tho, as my mother threw all my bottles away the first time I stayed in the psyche ward. I remembered that on the way home, how I had a milk crate full of empty Gatorade bottles, for the fountain of youth water, and it was all gone when I got home. So by the time we got home today, an argument started, over all the milk crates she stole from me, along with what was in them.

First, I asked for my railroad ties. My daughter and I picked them up when we went on that hike up Catawissa mountain. I carried a lot of them up that hill, in my back pack. They were in milk crates,everything that was in my car was put in milk crates. By ME. In milk crates that I stole from Sunoco when I worked there. She even took the one out of my bathroom and put my daughters bath toys in one of her plastic baskets. So at first, today, she said they were around somewhere. Well, she kept talking about them and ended up saying that she might have thrown some out on dump day !!! Can you believe that shit ?? So of course I told her, they were mine, she had no right to steal them. Well you should have seen how pissed she was. Because she admitted she had them, might have thrown them away but I can't call her out on the truth ??

I have so had it with her. This is suppose to be MY house. I want her to load up that camper and get lost. And stay the fuck out of my dreams.

"Make Me Lose Control" is the song that was playing while I was in Puffs. The girl working was singing and dancing with it, as was I. It's such a beautiful song. I blasted it twice when I got home, as my mother threw milk crates at my house. I want to put a rolling eye emoji right here.

The featured pic is the first clear quartz I had put on my necklace, which broke yesterday. I heard the bottom piece bounce across the floor. I looked but all I found was a small bud. I was excited, it was enough. And tasted so damn good. I wrapped a new crystal up and put it on my necklace. The piece I had, is being cleansed now. Yesterday, my daughter claimed there was a demon here, hmmmm. Then some friends stopped by. One I haven't seen in a very long time. He barely remembered me at first but then he did. Hahaha....we've told him not to drink so much. I gave him a four leaf clover and one of my business cards.

I made a playlist on Spotify with the same name as this post. It's for Donnie    XXX

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“Bad Blood”

12:18pm Wow....my mother is really on a roll today. I asked her for a ride to the post office so I could talk her into buying me some toilet paper. Totally wish I hadn't. So negative that woman. And an awful driver. She couldn't even make it down the driveway....she was so busy talking to me and looking at fucking bushes, telling me all about them, that she almost ran into a truck coming up the driveway !!! And she didn't learn, she was so busy talking to me the whole way to town, she ended up going thru a yellow light and sitting in the middle of an intersection while it was red !!! Again. She did that once before with me already, so busy talking, talking, talking about bullshit instead of paying attention to the road. I really want some emoji's here.

And once again, being negative. A negative Nancy. Which I find hilarious. She has a younger sister named Nancy and she's not that negative. Not at all. She cursed me again. She was asking about my license and if I'm getting it back. I told her, again, that yes, the neurologist filled that form out and faxed it in to the DMV. Then she said "don't be surprised if you don't get it till July." OMG....I immediately flipped out on her this time. Asked her why she would jinx me like that and be so negative. She laughed and said, "oh, is that being negative ?? Well then, I hope you get it back sooner." Well she better damn well mean that. Fucking cursing me with such fucking negativity. Then she asks me when I think I'm getting it. I told her that I'm hoping they just mail it to me this week but I don't know how it works and if I need to reapply, pay a fee or whatever. Thankfully she said something like 'good luck and I hope so too.' Damn. She had really better mean it.

Then she also told me that I'm expecting too much, thinking one of my neighbors would tell my dog to go home. Well excuse me. I tell their dogs to go the fuck home right in front of them, you would think one of them would have caught on and learned to do the same with my dog. Out of how many of them over there, standing around. But no, they pet him and tell him he's cute or he's a good dog !!! WTF. A good dog stays in his own fucking yard. Then she tells me, she does the same, she pets all the dogs that come over, all except Max, she can't stand him. I told her that's stupid and no wonder they come over and shit all over our yard, on our carport and next to our doors. I also told her that a good dog stays home and doesn't wander all over the fucking neighborhood. She's so nuts. Cause then she said she would put my dog on a leash and not let him out on his own at all.....to teach him to stay home. So which is it mother ?? He's to stay home or he's allowed to visit people ?? You can't have it both ways !!! And if you're new, it's all her fault my dog started leaving the yard in the first place. When I first got him, he stayed in his yard and knew he was to stay here. Until I went in the hospital for a week and my mother took care of him. He started chasing cats again, still does sometimes and now goes wherever the fuck he wants. So not fucking cool mother.

keep on scrolling...... (but if you would so kindly click on that ad first and then hit the back button to come finish this story, you would make my day. no need to purchase anything, just pretend you're actually interested and looking at whatever it is for sale. please)

Anyway, she's also being rude as far as her camper goes. It makes me wonder if she's reading this blog....I never said anything negative to her face about the camper. Not once. She has been talking none stop about it. She told my daughter and I that we can all go camping together, even if it's just at my aunt's house. Which is never happening, me camping with her. No fucking way. But my pregnant friend asked if I could ask my mom if we can borrow it one weekend to go to a festival. She's prego, she doesn't want to sleep in a tent. She even offered to pay for it and have someone take it there since she wants to use it. So I asked my mom today and of course, she's being rude about it. First says that she doesn't even know if the electric works. I said that was fine, we will be going to one that has a campground. Campgrounds have bath houses, we don't need electric and a toilet. It would be like camping in a tent but yet not. So then my mom has more excuses and says she will have to think about it.

Wow. I think I remember her offering it to me to take if I want. Oh yes, she did. She said that she was sure my brother would take it anywhere I want for me. But suddenly, because I have a friend that wants to take me somewhere and I'm not willing to camp with my mom, my mom has to think about it. Such a typical Narcissist attitude right there. I bet she's mad that I didn't get all excited and jump for joy when she brought the damn thing home. I just bet she's secretly hoping I will want it, to keep forever and travel. She doesn't fucking get why I want an RV and not a camper And a truck. All she can think about is how much a brand new RV costs. Apparently she must think that since I bought a new car that I will want a new RV also. Please, get real. A new RV costs way more than my fucking house. I will be perfectly happy with a used one thank you. They are much cheaper and still look great.

Wow. Ok. Rant over. Thanks for reading.
(Song for this title, pick one. I love Taylor Swift's and Bastille's)

 

 

okay....ranting some more. I was outside with the dogs and my mother came hunting me down. Wanted to talk to me about the letter we both received concerning our driveway getting a name. Oh yes, they are making it a lane and giving it two names !!!  She was trying to tell me that we have to change our address now. Of which I told her no, I got the same letter and it clearly states that this letter was just a formal notice of the chosen name. It also goes on to say that we are not to make any changes yet. It didn't even give us numbers because yes, a road name change means new numbers. Well, she argued and argued with me even tho she didn't have the letter in her hand. Nope, she was more concerned with the fact that they only mentioned one name, not two. And I just bet that she forgot she still uses my grandpa's address, which is going to fuck up her mail completely. His old place is getting a different lane name than this house. I swear that woman needs some major fucking help and I can not wait to get the fuck away from here. She was so mad that I argued with her that she went and said there was no way that I can use her camper now. What the fuck ?? Is she a child now ??  GRRRRRR......

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“Pursuit of Happiness” Kid Cudi

3:15 pm What an awful start to my day. Wake up to my mother making all kinds of noise outside my window, forcing me to get up. Which, in a way, is helpful. I mean, she was basically letting me know that something was going on. She won't say or do anything, but I will. I posted a pic on my Facebook....my neighbors had a visitor and the asshole parked his big truck right in the middle of the driveway, blocking off access to my house. What the fuck is wrong with people ?? How could anyone possibly think that is ok ??? It is not a private road, it is a shared driveway and you can not park in the fucking middle. End of story and it better not happen again.

So....the first thing my mother has to say to me, "why didn't you come tell me how everything went yesterday?" oh my....of course....she is up my ass again. And I just woke up so of course I said the first thing that came to me...."well I don't want you being negative and making things harder" Oops.....I kind of regretted it immediately. The look on her face was priceless tho....she had no idea what to think or say. HA. After a minute, she asked "well what happened, you don't need me to drive you around anymore or what ?" See....I told you, she just wants to be my best friend and provider. So I told her the story and how I could have gotten my license back months ago and you know what the bitch said ?? "Well, you live and you learn" !!

WTF I did not learn a damn thing. I was reminded of how much I can't stand living with my mother. I was reminded of how incompetent my doctors are. I was reminded of how much I have come to hate this place and want off this mountain. I didn't learn anything new, I was put thru Hell for another three and a half months now. As I just wrote to a friend on Facebook, I've been trying to leave this place for two years. I have packed and unpacked several times and I just want to get the fuck out of here. There is nothing new for me to learn here and there is nothing here for me anymore. I do not want to stay, I do not want to deal with and fight with my mother every day. Especially when she encourages my dog's bad behavior, making it almost impossible to control him. Nope, I am ready and have been ready, I did not learn anything new, except that maybe I should have just walked in that damn doctors office and handed them that form and forced them to sign it. But it's done now and I'm moving on. This entire town can kiss my ass and my mother can have it all. There's a whole big world out there with many people waiting to meet me 🙂

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“Dr. Feelgood”

8:52 pm Oh why oh why can I not find a good doctor ?? GRRR.....what is going on ?? Ok, for the newbies, Jan. 30, I decided to swallow an entire bottle of wellbutrin. That's 60 pills. They were given to me to help me quit smoking....I filled it but never took them, until that night. They weren't even on my prescription list at the hospital anymore. After close to an hour, I barely remember it, I got up and went to the ER. I fell walking down the hill to the ER, cut my chin and hurt my hip. I was in no shape to be driving nor walking at that point, I definitely couldn't catch myself. I was embarrassed and shocked.....I suppose the pain kind of woke me up you could say. It was at that point that I realized what I did and wondered why. Sure, I had thought about it many times. Way too many. But I never thought I would actually want to do anything about it.

I was glad when I walked thru the doors; there were not too many people there waiting and I had the empty bottle in my hand. I did not remember picking it up and taking it with me. But it's good I did. I don't remember anything after that for almost 3 days. I had a seizure, they put a tube in my throat and knocked me out until Wednesday afternoon. I don't remember much, a lot of nightmares, a couple visitors (tho I can't remember any of the visits, I clearly remember a couple faces....real ones and fake ones). I hadn't had nightmares like that in a very long time. When I was finally coming to, they were getting me ready for a wheelchair and the tube was gone. My hair was full of gunk from an EEG that I don't remember having. And after getting me in the wheelchair (did I help, I can't remember??), I was handed a bag with my clothes and rolled down the hall to the psyche ward. I was shocked. I couldn't believe I did that, I couldn't believe that I had a tube in my throat for almost three days and was pretty blank on what happened. I don't like not being in control of myself or remembering what has happened. It's why I quit drinking and have never been hypnotized.

I was not happy about going to the psyche ward again. My First time in there, had only been about six months earlier and I had fun that time. Thought I was in love. Made lots of friends. No, I thought, as they rolled me down the hallways.....I'm not doing that again. I was going to be the Hermit this time. I wasn't putting my heart out there again.....even if Michael did help me heal it....I didn't want to get my hopes up. Besides I thought, there's no way I would be lucky enough to meet cool people in there again. No way......

Then they swung that big door open and there was Michaels almost twin.....

Well that was a slap in the face. How could I forget ??? Of course it was going to happen. And all I could think about after seeing Him, was getting a shower and not looking like such a hot mess. LOL

Yeah.....I knew as soon as I woke up in the ICU.....that I will never, ever try to take my own life again. Once is enough for this chic. Unfortunately, it was totally worth it. I'm obsessed with twins.

So anyway, back to the main point....they sent a letter to the PA DMV Monday morning, while I was knocked out, saying I had a seizure, immediately suspending my license. For six months. What I could I do ?? Nothing at the time. I spent a week in the psyche ward, almost. I was out Tuesday. Some time the next week, there was a form in the mail from the DMV. It said it needed to be filled out by a doctor. My psychiatrist printed out the law for me.....said that since I never had a seizure and it was caused by an overdose, I could have the suspension waived. But....it took two months for my doctor to answer me, after weekly emails and calls to her, and all she would tell me was that I need to see a neurologist. And Danville neurology couldn't see me until November, I'm considered a new patient. Or I could drive to State College in May !!!! Really ?? I'm not suppose to drive. WTF

Fine, whatever, I want it back ASAP. SO....today, my friend drives me there, to State College. The GPS and maps all said that it would be an hour and a half or more. Well, it only took us one hour. We were way early. And thank goodness....they had been trying to call me to cancel my appointment all morning !! Thankfully I can't afford minutes right now and even tho the doctor who was suppose to see me had called off, the others squeezed me in anyway. Since I had drove there anyway. Would I have been that lucky in Danville ?? OH HELL NO. This town hates me. Clearly, I can't find a good doctor for shit and I've been looking for almost three years now. UGH.

So then, the nurse takes me back and asks why I'm there. Well, she fucking knew. And she almost cried for me. She said exactly what I had thought, that form could have been filled out by my regular doctor or the ER doctor (who never returned any of my emails and he doesn't take calls)......any of them could have filled out that form and done so immediately after receiving it. As my psychiatrist said, the suspension can be waived, all I need is a doctor to fill out that form and send it in. But no, the Geisinger in Danville gave me the run around and made me wait how many months now ?? I've been forced to depend on my mom, who drives me insane. And I swear it's all her fault.

When I first got out of the hospital in February, I had to go to group therapy for awhile. Three days a week. One morning, while taking me, my mom said to me "don't be surprised if the doctors make you go to neurology and get another test before you get your license back" !!!!! The bitch actually refused to believe that the printout my psychiatrist gave me was real and the law. But the nurse and the neurologist totally confirmed it today.....I could have been driving months ago. Thank you assholes at Geisinger. And thank you to my bitch mother who thinks I'm going to stick around here and be her best friend. NO THANK YOU

And especially not when I can't even go outside without being stared at. Still. After all this time, my friend and I walk outside to my car and all my neighbors and some friends are standing around having a BBQ. And of course, every single one of them watched us walk to the car, get in the car, back up and then drive down the hill. Seriously, all of them fucking stared. I wonder if they could see me giving them the finger ?? I mean, if they had been staring with good thoughts, I wouldn't mind, but they were not thinking anything good about me. Not at all. Pretty fucked up when I let their dog in at 3:30 am the other day. The dog I wanted but they didn't think I could handle a dog. Sure, my dog wants to jump on everyone and lick them, but he's a great dog otherwise. And now that his balls are gone, I bet he will stay home more often.

So, that was my wonderful stressing day. So glad to get it out there before I pass out. And oh yeah, I drove illegally today. I went to pick my friend up at the Gatehouse so she could take me to the doctor, there's no way I'm spending that amount of time in a car with my mom. I made sure to go the long way, past the hospital. I couldn't tell if He was still there or not, I was too nervous about my appointment, but the song that I found on the radio and was blasting as I drove by the hospital, "Love Song" by Tesla. "Love is gonna find a way. Love will find a way."

🙂

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“Science and progress Do not speak as loud as my heart”

12:40 pm The title is my fave part from what I have deemed my fave song. Finally. I have one. So far today has been good. It started out rough. I didn't want to wake up. These anti-depressants are making me tired and making me sleep a lot. I'm not sure how I feel about that, I use to enjoy only sleeping a few hours a day. But it's probably not good for me. Especially since I'm not working. I really wanted to stay in bed and say fuck it to counseling today. I'm only going because I'm lonely and need something to get me out of this house. It's not easy, being an empath, sitting in a room full of people with some serious issues. Maybe that part does help, to remember that even tho my life sucks right now and I hate it, it could be so much worse. And some days I just want to cry for some of these people and the pain they feel.

It was hard not to smile today tho. We start off by saying our name, why we are there and we have to name an emotion we are feeling this morning. Well I was frustrated. Very frustrated. I never did talk about why, my issues seem so small compared to some of these folks, I don't want to talk about my shit. But it does feel good to get it out and so I write and if you want to read it, you can. So this morning, I did everything I could to keep cool and stay calm on the ride to counseling. I am stuck riding with my mother. Who is kind enough to buy me a DD coffee every morning before counseling but has not kept her word about being quiet. Of course not. The woman does not know how to sit in silence with anyone. Usually she's babbling on about celebrities and other stuff that I could care less about.

Today however, she informed me that someone close has ended their marriage of around 30 years, I think. I was shocked and sad. I thought they would be together forever. And then right before dropping me off, my mother said she talked to the woman and she has decided to make the best of it. That apparently the husband wasn't quite everything she wanted despite the fact that she loved him a whole lot. So she's excited to go meet men. And of course my mother being her, says, "oh I told her you don't need a man, you can be happy alone."

 

Oh yeah, I so much wanted to turn and punch her in the face. All I could think was, is this woman ever going to stop ?? Where is her head ?? Has she already forgotten my recent suicide attempt and why I did it ?? UGH....and just as I was about to reply, the woman shocked me. The other woman told her exactly what I was about to, "some of us do, we want and need a man." And of course I said to my mother, "yes, exactly, some of us really do want and need a man."

And then I got out of the car and was fuming. But then waiting for group to start, one of the ladies was curious about my age and couldn't believe that I have a 14 year old. Oh yeah, she said there was no way I was over 27 and I laughed because I have no ID to prove my age. HAHA. Yeah, it was hard not to smile after that. Especially since I'm crushing on such young guys, at least I look their age.

Then I was having a hard time paying attention in group. All I can think about now is how many of my friends are looking for a place to live and have asked about staying with me so that I'm not alone. That makes me so happy. To know that I have people who care that much and like my house. But of course, I've tried the roommate thing and I'm super glad that it was with strangers. It's just not what I'm looking for. Especially now that I'm remembering my one best friend. That blonde Leo who I loved but drove me insane. She was here a lot and we ended our relationship mostly because we spent way too much time together. It was a great relationship but it ended badly and I don't want that with any of my friends now. Plus the one is a young guy who just might hinder my chances of finding a man to love. He's a great guy; very nice, really cool, good looking and a Taurus even, but there's no physical chemistry and he's probably a little bit too young. Yeah, there is such a thing for me. I want kids, he's gotta be ready.

So group finally ends, I thought it never would today, my damn thoughts were so elsewhere this morning. I'm still trying to remember that it's a Friday and it's the 17th. For some reason I thought it was the 18th already. Silly me. Oh, I was also worried about what I found in my pocket half way thru group. I'm surprised no one smelled it or maybe they did and didn't say anything. Oops. I started getting frustrated again, my mother was late, kind of. All week, she has been a half hour early and today group was over a little early and of course she wasn't there till almost noon. And then she really shocked the hell out of me. I told her what that lady said about my looks and my mother said "well you always wanted kids when you were young, at least you still look it" !!!! HOLY FUCK She has finally accepted that I want more kids. This is a day to remember. I even saw one of my fave Leo's when I stopped for a pack of those bad cigarettes. I'm slowly weaning myself off them tho and have a vapor. It's delicious, strawberry and kiwi yogurt....yummmm

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