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“My Hero” Foo Fighters

10:36 pm Feeling better thanks to some rants and posts on Facebook, told by several to keep going. I don't have much to say, it's been a long, rough day. The only thing I want to write about it is my beliefs. As they have come into question by several folks lately. Over drug addiction. I shared this pic and got some heated responses. It started with a girl I met on Facebook when I made my new account, I was looking for a different Candi, we had mutual friends. A year later, we have met and been hanging out. Even after finding out that we both dated Home Depot. We talked about it once for a few minutes and moved on. But today, she exploded over this. Her issue was that it says you have a weak mind. She doesn't believe that. I thought we agreed that it was personal opinion and we obviously felt differently.

I knew that when I started this journey, starting a blog and Facebook business announcing who I am and never holding back, would be difficult. But I didn't expect it to lead me to attempting suicide. I have opened up arguments with complete strangers in many groups. Some of these immediately became friendships, others getting people blocked and getting kicked out of groups for being better at this than the administrators. Being an Empath Shaman and mirroring people....showing them who they are by taking on their feelings and words and giving them right back. Some people see Love, some people see Hate, they see what they should see in their self.

SO....I did my best to keep my cool with her but she continued to comment and rant on my post, told off one my bestest friends and supporters, told me I wasn't a Real Shaman, in way many more words, went to MY Empath group, found a post I made and ranted on that. Thru all this, I asked her to stop several times. First being as nice as possible, then straight up telling her that she was being a bitch. Then she started tagging me in posts. I felt like she was trying to force her opinion down my throat. So I blocked her. I just recently unblocked her tho, I think she's over it now. I was fine with agreeing to disagree but she pushed me too far.

IMG_3427

I Believe that Life is what You make it. With your thoughts, your mind, your soul, that You are a God and have the power to do what You want. It's not easy, especially with so many billion people in the World. I guess that's why there are so many Angels here now with US. I have many. Tony's, Mike's, many B-day Twins. They are Real and we help each other, all of US. If you don't Believe in You, how can anyone else ?? If you don't think you can quit drugs or leave that abusive relationship, then your thoughts, your mind is weak. No one said it was wrong, to ME, it says you need to strengthen your brain. Train yourself with positive thoughts, forget that pain by distracting yourself and learn to ride it out. Get help if you need it; I did, at 36 years old. I finally came to terms with the fact that my mom really is a narcissist because I finally got sober. I went between many different chemicals while drinking alcohol for 15 years or so.

I woke up for ME this time

I was done helping others, thanks to my mom, my neighbors and Boston. Michael from Connecticut mirrored ME and we showed each other what we learned, what we can do and what we were looking for in a True Love partner. We even helped each other learn how we were going to best talk to and deal with our True Loves. We met the first time I went to the psychiatric ward in Geisinger Danville, July 11, 2016. A Man named Michael, from Connecticut, stuck in MY town, lost and playing Christmas music on the Piano for ME from Day One of my stay. When I cut myself to show others how much words hurt, bullying and took a vacation in the mental ward because I was poor. And hiding from a guy who was from Boston. Hanging out with a Man from Connecticut. Fast forward 6 months, I try to kill myself and end up in the Psyche Ward again, with an even more amazing experience. With a Man from Bloomsburg, who doesn't look like anyone I have ever met. He has one tattoo, Anomaly. I stand by what I say. I met more addicts in this place, of course, I've attracted them my whole life and have been called the Mom since my teenage years. Probably since around the age my daughter is NOW. Most of the addicts I met in the psyche ward, got the help they needed and enjoyed the vacation. A lot of them even admitted that it helps them but then something traumatic happens, they start using and so they check them selves in before they end up dead. Something WE are all capable of. MIND and Will power, all the way. Believe you can do it and just do it.

And thank you Facebook for notifying me of a like on the featured pic just now, I was just going to find it and download it for this blog <3

"Superman (It's Not Easy)"

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“Make Me Lose Control”

4:35 pm What a day so far. Well, two days, yesterday was something else. I stayed away from Facebook and kept myself occupied. Got in an argument with my mother. Of course, we didn't see each other for a few days, it was great. Then of course she was her usual self. I did my best to be nice but I ended up walking away, both of us mad. She was telling me what job she thinks I should get, then lead to telling me what kind of job my cousin should take. Even tho my cousin already has a really great paying job that she loves. It's not my mother's business nor mine. So I left and went back to my cave. She eventually left, taking the garbage and recycling as she has always promised to do if I would stay here. It was about time too, it was getting out of hand. I want to burn it but she bitches if I do and puts shit in my way or moves it. She's such a pain in the ass.

Princess wrote a comment again. I'm not going to accept this one either, for her sake. It was clear she didn't read the whole post or didn't understand it. She said something about calling the DMV back. I already got what I needed. And today I went to my psychiatrist to refill my meds. All the forms are now at the DMV and hopefully my license will be in the mail by Friday. Thanks for the late advice tho. Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself. I had to go thru a lot of shit to get that first form filled out, the seizure one. A lot of people don't know that if you have one seizure, you automatically lose your license for 6 months, unless you have a good doctor who will see you right away or already have an established neurologist. I had neither, so it took me four months to get a form filled out saying why I had a seizure. Then they send me another form, forcing me to declare that I'm not a substance abuser by a psychiatrist. Of course I had to know why. And sometimes you do have to be a bitch, let them know they are fucking up. When I called today, the lady was on lunch but the one who helped me, she knew that I needed both, so maybe they will pay more attention and start sending all the proper forms needed for when you have a seizure. The original letter to them stated that I had a seizure and why, they had to review it and they should have sent them all once. Once again, making life difficult for ME. Even my mother agreed that it seems like they singled me out.

Gee....I wonder why. Maybe because I share everything and help others who are in the same situation ?? One of my friends let me know that I would have to fill out an extra form, which just happen to be the one I needed faxed anyway.

Just like me getting in a fight with my mother again. Today. I had her take me early so I could get these forms taken care of. I'm pretty sure she sat out in the car, the whole time. It was a long meeting today, some of them talked a lot. Hahaha. And I was last. Haha. Well, by then, I was pretty pissed that she bought that old, ugly, stinky ass camper that is sitting in MY driveway and forgot to help me pay my car or just didn't care. And I'm not allowed to borrow the smelly thing, oh well. I'm not going to cry over it, but my car, yeah, I'm not going to be happy if I end up losing that. I was going to have her go to Dunkin again but as she pulling up to the main street, I remembered how she drives and we would have to go left, so I didn't ask. I was good, I kept my cool, even tho, as I told my psychiatrist, that at this point and me being 37, if I have to depend on this woman much longer, I just might choke her. She giggled and said that would not be good. My mother stopped at Puffs while I bitched about one of my friends. She bought me tobacco and tubes, as I told my doctor, I'm not ready to quit, not as long as I live with that woman.

My mom gave me money for my smoke supplies, I just happen to have enough to buy a lottery ticket. Wish me luck, if I win the jackpot, I will give my jewelry away. And my water, after I visit the fountain of youth again. Someone said we could go, if they could get a ride here. I have the vehicle, he has the license and wants a reading. I'm making him something too, he needs it and I need some of that water. I have to find containers tho, as my mother threw all my bottles away the first time I stayed in the psyche ward. I remembered that on the way home, how I had a milk crate full of empty Gatorade bottles, for the fountain of youth water, and it was all gone when I got home. So by the time we got home today, an argument started, over all the milk crates she stole from me, along with what was in them.

First, I asked for my railroad ties. My daughter and I picked them up when we went on that hike up Catawissa mountain. I carried a lot of them up that hill, in my back pack. They were in milk crates,everything that was in my car was put in milk crates. By ME. In milk crates that I stole from Sunoco when I worked there. She even took the one out of my bathroom and put my daughters bath toys in one of her plastic baskets. So at first, today, she said they were around somewhere. Well, she kept talking about them and ended up saying that she might have thrown some out on dump day !!! Can you believe that shit ?? So of course I told her, they were mine, she had no right to steal them. Well you should have seen how pissed she was. Because she admitted she had them, might have thrown them away but I can't call her out on the truth ??

I have so had it with her. This is suppose to be MY house. I want her to load up that camper and get lost. And stay the fuck out of my dreams.

"Make Me Lose Control" is the song that was playing while I was in Puffs. The girl working was singing and dancing with it, as was I. It's such a beautiful song. I blasted it twice when I got home, as my mother threw milk crates at my house. I want to put a rolling eye emoji right here.

The featured pic is the first clear quartz I had put on my necklace, which broke yesterday. I heard the bottom piece bounce across the floor. I looked but all I found was a small bud. I was excited, it was enough. And tasted so damn good. I wrapped a new crystal up and put it on my necklace. The piece I had, is being cleansed now. Yesterday, my daughter claimed there was a demon here, hmmmm. Then some friends stopped by. One I haven't seen in a very long time. He barely remembered me at first but then he did. Hahaha....we've told him not to drink so much. I gave him a four leaf clover and one of my business cards.

I made a playlist on Spotify with the same name as this post. It's for Donnie    XXX

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“Bad Romance”

4:02 am This song is playing as I start this post <3 Goes right along with what I want to write about 🙂 I am LOVIN the synchronicities <3 I made a post in a group introducing myself and offering free readings. I did not expect to get all the LOVE that I have been getting. I have helped several people already. So amazing. Some of them just wanted to talk for a couple minutes, some wanted some advice on very personal issues and lots have wanted a free tarot reading and birth chart. Awesomeness

<3 I am even getting a free gift from someone who is thankful for me helping out others, she does not want anything in return <3

I knew I could find more people like me out there. And I have found many. Well, we have found each other. It takes two. And why am I writing ?? Apparently there is some confusion on who my crush is. I did stay in the psyche ward twice and meet two different guys. I also said that I had fallen in love with the first one, Piano Man. But if I were still crushing on him, I would be calling him the Piano Man or Connecticut or the Hermit. No, I'm crushing on his twin. Who really isn't his twin, if they were brothers, they would not be identical twins. I really do think they were in another life tho. No doubt in my mind. I believe they both have Taurus Ascendants and Leo Suns. And Gemini something, perhaps their Moons or Mercury ?? I have a Gemini Moon and communicate telepathically with it, would totally make sense for it to be one of those planets.

 

Anyway, yes, I do love Connecticut. And I did fall for him but it wasn't true love. He didn't feel the same and didn't talk to me much. In fact, he ignored me several times in front of others, making sure I noticed. But he did care, he did listen when we were alone, he totally believed and understood what was happening with me. He even said that he wished he could help. He didn't realize he already was and had been almost his entire life. It's been awhile since I've mentioned my very first vacation. The first state I spent the night in, that was not the one I was born in or lived in. In Connecticut. And I just bet it was near him. It was around the time he was one year old. Plus, the next state I stayed in was Massachusetts. Yes, Connecticut has been there between us along. He felt me. He told me the first day we stayed in the Psyche Ward, his first words to me. Forcing me to look in his eyes. And I couldn't stop watching him for the rest of my stay.

I really do want to see him again. I want to hug him and thank him. A real big hug. I will probably cry. Happy tears of course. I'm pretty damn sure I will be visiting the state Connecticut in the near future, there is a big crystal shop up there somewhere. And I'm hoping to go with my crush. I know that Piano Man will feel me, maybe he's even reading this from time to time, I do feel him sometimes. And I'm sure he will make it a point to see me. He did come here to Danville, PA and help me save myself.

No, my crush is the 'twin.' Too many signs for it not to be. Like the meme above, the featured pic for this post. I totally felt Him when I read that meme, His lips are the ones I want for my tattoo. I definitely want to look in His eyes, I am ready now, my answer to Kaleo's "Way Down We Go." And He doesn't have a nickname, He's too awesome. We watched Lady Gaga perform at the Superbowl together, one of my fave people in the World. He sat with His parents, my mother and I at the next table. Eating veggies and dip, we love our fresh, healthy foods. We went for more together (three times) so that we could be close to each other, close enough to touch but didn't. (oh yeah, the hospital gave us free food for the Superbowl) We tried not to stare at each other too much, it's good that He sat with His back to me, forcing me to look at His parents: He was the one who needed to look at them and stand up to them. And He has that one tattoo, only one, Anomaly. Have you looked up what it means ?? It is so Him. And He can give me twins.

That's one of the hold ups here. He didn't want kids. Then He met me. I'm everything He wants and more. But He didn't expect me to be older, He even teased me about it. Nor does He want kids. But He is thinking about it now. In my last dream about Him, He told me so, when we were kissing. Plus I have been forced to think about Him and it makes me dream about Him. I feel Him but He hasn't realized that He can feel me. Especially being where He is. He's lucky. Lucky that Connecticut helped, I went in that psyche ward the second time with thoughts of not talking to anyone, especially a male. But He was one of the first people I saw when I was wheeled in there and I ended up talking to almost everyone in there again. All I could think about after first laying my eyes on Him, was how badly I wanted to shower because I did not want Him to see me that way. I was a hot mess and very lost. He's lucky I'm patient and busy now. He's just damn Lucky.

I can not wait till the day He is here. The cards say it will be very, very soon 🙂

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“Out of My League”

7:29 am A song by Fitz and the Tantrums......I Love it. It makes me want to dance. I first heard it while driving to barber school one morning and listening to the alternative station up that way. It's definitely one of my life theme songs. I've been thinking about how much I regret not doing this sooner, insisting on focusing my energy on finding love. Wondering why I listened to those people who said to wait for it and it will find me. Remembering how many people told me that I was looking for something impossible, my expectations were too high. And this song pretty much says it all.

Some things really do happen for a reason. I was thinking I wasted too much of my life on working for a career when it's not what I want. I was so depressed over all these things and feeling like I was stuck in this single working life that I hate. But I had to be that sad. I had to know how bad it can be alone for me and I'm pretty damn sure that I had to be in that hospital when I was. Again. Maybe almost killing myself was the wrong way, then again, maybe it was the only way to show some one special that he can feel me.

School and work was not a waste, it occupied my time, sharpened my mother skills and taught me how to deal with the shit storm my life has been for like two years now. Even my mother said yesterday that my grandfather had said that I just wasn't myself anymore. But she says that I finally am and she's actually happy that I am me. Even tho she doesn't like me because I act like my dad, she apparently likes me better now that I'm not sick. I'm definitely back completely this time. Sure, most of it's because I'm still that hopeless romantic looking for some one to love and I have a crush on some one. Yeah, the new twin I met in the hospital. I can't get his face out of my head. I'm not getting my hopes up on this one tho, not like I have before. I know it may not be him but it gives me some one to think about and he needs to smile. I hope I get to see it.

I do know that whoever my Twin Flame is, he's going to look similar and be a lot younger than me. That's why I'm still alone. I've learned how to occupy myself and do basic home repairs, like plumbing because I'm pretty damn sure he's a truck driver and will be away often. Signs from the Universe tell me so. And I'm pretty damn sure I'm having twins one day. Even tho I hate going to group, I'm just lonely, I did learn something yesterday; it's really hard for some people to love their self. That makes me sad but also grateful. I've never had a problem loving myself, only finding some one who loves me as much as I do. I'm happy again. Finally. A fucked up way to find it maybe but I'm finally hopeful, again :))

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“Cheap Thrills”

4:27 pm I'm going to start off by reminding everyone and sharing with those who are new. July 11, I cut myself up and had to have 22 stitches in one arm, 23 in the other. I spent a week in the psyche ward because of course everyone thought I tried to kill myself. Which I totally get but I wasn't, I just wanted to lose a lot of blood. I felt that it was infected, physically and spiritually. I spent the week helping others because that's what makes me happy. I also thought I fell in love. I had taken time to get to know a young guy from Connecticut whom I called the Piano Man. He totally made me think he liked me. But alas, it's been six months and I don't know any guy who would wait that long to call a girl up. I hoped and thought about him for a couple months, then I did everything I could to forget about him.

Sunday night, January 29th, I made the bad decision to swallow a bottle of pills. They were given to me to help me quit smoking but I never took them. I did some research and made sure to double the fatal dose. I had decided that I was done, I didn't want to live anymore. I'm way too lonely. This time, I really did try to kill myself. My plan was to lay here in bed and just go. But suddenly I was at the ER, after having driving myself there. Stupid me literally fell out of my shoes walking down into the place (I wasn't wearing them properly and was pretty messed up by then). And by the time I walked in the door, I was bleeding profusely from my chin. I was immediately taken into the back. From that point on and for the next three days, I don't remember much. I know I had the empty bottle of pills in my hand and told them I took them all.

It turns out that I had a seizure and was intubated for three days. I remember being tied to the bed and apparently I was very irate, kicking and yelling at nurses. I was hallucinating and having bad dreams. I had to wear a neck brace for some time that dug the hell out of my shoulders from all my irateness. I also remember hearing the male nurse say he was pulling the tube and counting down. But that's it. I only remember being rolled into the psyche ward Wednesday night with gunk in my hair and feeling like shit. And of course totally regretting what I had done. I was scared. It's not something I ever want to do again. Especially now that I had a seizure and am not allowed to drive for another six months. It's going to be HELL.

This time, I was put on anti-depressants and so far, I'm liking it. I'm warm again. I've been cold for many years and now I'm actually sweating a lot. I so much prefer being hot than cold. I didn't socialize as much this time either and will be continuing counseling for awhile because I'm very lonely still. This time, my experience was calmer, more relaxed and at times very, very hard. Because of course it was my luck to be stuck in there with that Piano Man's almost twin. This guy looked just like him, acted like him and even played the piano. Only he was nicer, really nice, never once saying anything to make me cry. And he actually played the piano for me instead of storming out of the room when I wanted to listen. Sure, it eventually made me cry. The night we just sat in the rec room alone together, listening to the radio, not talking. Of course the music played from my heart and it was confirmed that I'm never seeing that guy from Connecticut again. I bawled and left the room for a little. But this guy didn't run like Connecticut did when I cried.

My first night in there, I copied some quotes from a book and continued to remind myself of the one:
"Watching you walk out of my life
Does not make me bitter
Or cynical about love
But rather makes me realize
That if I wanted so much
To be with the wrong person
How beautiful it will be
When the right one comes along"
-Javan

And maybe it won't be this new guy I met, even tho he was awesome and I like him way more than Connecticut, there's some one similar for me. And hopefully he's close because it has been way too long since I have been close to anyone. Way too long.

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MY daughter and I’s fave song at the moment

img_0919.jpg

The pic is my fave song for the moment, totally not the same song as below:

 

"I'm gonna fight 'em off
A seven nation army couldn't hold me back
They're gonna rip it off
Taking their time right behind my back
And I'm talking to myself at night
Because I can't forget
Back and forth through my mind
Behind a cigarette
And the message coming from my eyes
Says leave it alone

Don't want to hear about it
Every single one's got a story to tell
Everyone knows about it
From the Queen of England to the hounds of hell
And if I catch it coming back my way
I'm gonna serve it to you
And that ain't what you want to hear,
But that's what I'll do
And the feeling coming from my bones
Says find a home

I'm going to Wichita
Far from this opera for evermore
I'm gonna work the straw
Make the sweat drip out of every pore
And I'm bleeding, and I'm bleeding, and I'm bleeding
Right before the lord
All the words are gonna bleed from me and I will think
No more
And the stains coming from my blood
Tell me go back home"