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“The Sky Is A Neighborhood”

2:42 am

Interesting song lyrics. Good song. It's been awhile, huh ?? I was given an old computer that was slow. I deleted some stuff and what not, some things won't work, like the defragmentor. Which is not cool but at least the computer is working pretty good now. We just need a comfy chair that fits at this desk and I will use it more often.

Not a whole lot has changed. I'm still alone, I'm still depressed and I haven't won the lottery. HAha. I wish. I really do. And yes, those are my kittens. I couldn't take the lonely, quiet house anymore. We lost our ferret Roxy, our dog Mina and three cats....Patches, Persuasion and Sweetie. Five pets within one year....we had to get some kittens. It started with these two....


Are they not the cutest tiger kittens ever ?? And so sweet. Amelia and Killian. I rescued from under a porch down near my old favorite dive bar. Literally like two or three houses down. Lol. Seriously....look at how cute they are.....


Two weeks later, I got a call asking if I wanted their brother....



Of course we wanted that cute face. And so do a lot of others. Too bad. I've always wanted a Ragdoll and he may not be purebred but he sure is just like one. Temperament and looks. Besides, most of you wouldn't want to put up with him anyway. He's the bad one. Of course. He hates liter boxes. His fave place to poop is next to the toilet, in front of me. Lol. Easy clean up for sure. But the pee, well, he really likes my dogs blankets. Not cool. I'm truly hoping that once he's fixed and allowed out that he will be like Tiger, my older boy who only goes outside. Fingers crossed. Yes, I deal with it, cats are picky, he doesn't want to walk on anyone else's poop, you can't blame I know we will work it out and I'm thankful that none of them scratch or rip apart things. They just like to knock everything off the counters and tables so they can play with it. Except Killian, he also has a thing for climbing windows, thankfully not the curtains.

The three after a bath....


Then, a month or so later, we found this guy in the road....


He followed a mentally handicapped lady to the Gatehouse and sat there for a little over 13 hours, hoping someone would feed him or water him. He was malnourished and is missing half his tail  :((  So I brought him home. And a few days later, we decided he was staying and his name is Lucky. We chose that name because he is lucky we found him and love him and want him. The other three took him in as tho he is their long lost brother.....and who knows, maybe they are. They have a lot of the same markings and came from the same area of town, they very well could have the same dad. Ha. And days later, we realized, he's also cat #7 right now, so Lucky is the perfect name for him.

Just look at how cute they all are....


Ok, ok, enough with the cute kittens...for now anyway. Yeah, I don't think I'm getting real babies so these ones keep me busy and make me laugh. Plus now my dog has some kittens to play with. The big cats hate him because they just want to sleep. Lol.

Ok, on to more serious things. Sadly, my uncle has passed away. The one I had been fighting with and was starting to make up with. I'm still in shock, he went in his sleep, so unexpected. My mom took his big dog, I took the little one, one of his cats passed a few weeks after him and the other one is still running around in the woods down there. Yes, now I have two dogs plus the one I'm fostering. My girl is Bella....and she loves my heated seats and car rides.....


Speaking of, I have asked the foster dog's owner to find her a new place when my uncle passed. But of course, she hasn't tried. She hasn't tried to do anything. At all. I have cut her out of my life. I felt bad at first but not anymore. I just stopped talking to her. I couldn't do it anymore. I had been giving her rides to work for way too many months. At first, I thought it would just be a couple weeks till she got her car fixed. But a couple months went by and her car still sat, never even towed yet. I started bitching about it and she finally got it towed. Like two months ago. I have told her and told her that her schedule sucks and is not working for me. It was interfering with my sleep, my Uber and stressing me the fuck out. Especially when she would text me and say that she was done work, knowing full well that I was in Bloom doing Uber, only to make me sit and wait at least 30 minutes before she was actually done work. I told her and told her how much money I could have made doing Uber instead of waiting there for her. So why oh why can't this chic get it thru her head that she's wasting my time and costing me money ?? She doesn't tip me, she doesn't use Uber, she pays me gas. That's it. Has me take her to work, from Danville to Bloom and then I have to go back to Danville because what else am I going to do at 10 am ???? NO one uses Uber that early. Then, then I go pick her from work, which who knows when it will be, sometimes she's cut after two short hours (which often means that she won't even have gas money) or.....they keep her till 5pm. Like I want to keep living this way, waiting around for her, getting paid gas money. And don't forget, she has to stop for cigs and food. UGH

Anyway, if she's reading this, which I doubt, another reason I'm mad at her, she doesn't ever give me support in my businesses; I want her to know that it's not too personal, it's just that I deserve better and I have bills to pay. Unlike her. Just earlier tonight, one of my Uber riders paid me $20 for a ride from the dive strip club to his hotel, a few miles, and he paid me twice what she pays me to make two trips to Bloom and back.

And it's not even just the money. It's also the fact that she's not supportive. I've made her so much jewelry, gave it to her, so she could wear it at she can attract money and advertise for me. But after six plus months, she still doesn't even put makeup on for work. Then, when she is in my car, all she does is stare at her phone and smoke. Forget trying to have a convo. with her, it's like talking to a wall. And what about her dog ?? She's been here way too long, is a huge pain in the ass for me and her owner does not care. The dog is spending most of her time in a cage and her owner is not trying to find her a new home at all. She doesn't even give me money to feed the dog. What a great owner.

Alright, I'm done....I'm in love with my kittens and I'm still looking for My Man....he's out there somewhere and I wish that I don't have to spend another winter alone....I absolutely Hate the cold


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11:54 pm I Love them. Most of them. Some are strange. Today I woke up about ten minutes before my daughter and her friend came back from swimming. Her friends mom wanted to see the kittens. Found out that my daughters friend has an Irish twin brother, Donny. How awesome is that ??

look soul

I have to write about something else now, My Donnie makes me dreamy. I definitely thought about the Piano Man the other night. I had fun. Laughed a whole lot. He's been thinking about Me. And so has Scorpio Ryan. Ryan was mad that I wrote about him again, he hasn't stalked me and has kept me blocked. But he's back. I feel him. Plus, I picked up an Uber rider the other night named Ryan. He had an accent and four people with him. He sat in front, the rest in the back. They sang the whole trip, thanking me for being there. Yes, they were intoxicated. It was fun. They tipped me as much as Uber would allow, which was double what they paid for the ride.

Haven't read my blog before ?? That's ok. If you go to my website (linked below) and watch the picture slideshow while listening to the music player, You will most likely get my message. Or you can click on some of the categories and read more about a certain subject.


I'm helping awaken humans. Now is the time to understand and use Your power. We are here to save ourselves, other humans and Mother Earth. Raise Your vibration, Believe that We, the Human Race, have the power to stand up to the elite, the powerful and take back our Home. We have to stop allowing our food to be grown with chemicals where there are so many natural ways of protecting our food. We Are what we eat. Let's make it healthy again, our food and our selves. Mostly Mother Earth. Believe In Yourself and Be the Good that Mother Earth Needs. Love is the highest vibration, "God" is LOVE

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Can you change a narcissist ??

11:01 pm Lots of people say NO. Impossible. But I have learned otherwise. But....they may not want to change. I am going to go over how to help both, the ones who do want to change and those who don't.

First and foremost, you have to believe in the power of thoughts and healing stones. If not, you might as well stop reading now. You also have to be close enough and brave enough to do what needs done. You will also need sea salt, old railroad spikes (please pick up ones that have fallen out, do Not remove them), black tourmaline and clear quartz. If you can afford some orgonite, that would be great also. You have to salt around their entire house. You may have to do it several times over a few weeks. The railroad spikes, black tourmaline, quartz and orgonite should be placed around the four corners, outside. If the house is odd shaped like mine, you will have to use a little imagination and surround the area. If they live in an apartment, they obviously have to be open to it and willing to let you place these things inside. But clearly you can do this outside without their knowledge. They will appreciate it some day, I promise.

What is Orgonite ?? (click on pic above to buy some)

Orgonite energy devices are one of the most effective ways that I have found to raise the vibrations in the environment that surrounds you. The combination of resin, metals and programmed crystals creates a strong protective force that also assists in counteracting any negative vibrations from electrical appliances, electromagnetic bombardment that can disrupt your energy system and subtle bodies.
All of the devises are programmed to carry and emit the highest vibrations. They also can be programmed for specific healing for the individual and work well for pets and plants too!  It strengthens your body’s energy field, helping to protect you from man-made EMF radiation and negative energy. Orgonite can help improve your life physically, emotionally and spiritually.

And that's just to start. If you want to help or have to help, as I had to with my mom, you most likely have the strength and you can do it. Especially if they want to change. That was what took so long with my mom. She didn't want to change, she hates change and of course, she thought she was perfect. Unfortunately it took my grandfather's death and me attempting suicide before she finally wanted to change.

And of course me being honest and telling her to face that she was a narcissist and treated me like shit. Several times, over many months I said it before she finally accepted it and was willing to work on things. You have to do that too. You can't play nice, you can't beat around the bush; you must be firm, rude and to the point. I have found that a lot of narcissists don't even realize that they are one. That's how self absorbed and damaged they are. Yes, most narcs are damaged and guarded, causing them to be this way. And no, you can't save them all. You can only try with the ones who are willing or whom you absolutely have to deal with or live with. Trust me, if you can live your life without them, it's much better to just let them go.

It takes a lot of patience, fights and hurt feelings (on your part) but if it must be done, you can do it. You should also protect yourself, especially when around them. I highly suggest wearing Bloodstone. Yes, there are many others but that one seems to work best and it is also good for your overall health, so just get some already. You definitely want to cleanse yourself as often as possible, most especially after dealing with them. I recommend saging yourself and then taking a hot shower or bath. If you bathe, put sea salt in your water. Yeah, you can sprinkle some over you before a shower also, it works, I have done it. But if you have good water, just a shower will work also. It does not have to be at Full Moon but it is the most powerful time. The Moon is always there, just because we can't see it, does not mean that it's not powerful.

There's more but I'm drawing blank thoughts right now so I will add more when I think of it. And of course, any questions or recommendations, please comment below. Have a Happy 4th of July everyone and be safe. Don't forget to request Uber if you get too drunk !!!

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“My Hero” Foo Fighters

10:36 pm Feeling better thanks to some rants and posts on Facebook, told by several to keep going. I don't have much to say, it's been a long, rough day. The only thing I want to write about it is my beliefs. As they have come into question by several folks lately. Over drug addiction. I shared this pic and got some heated responses. It started with a girl I met on Facebook when I made my new account, I was looking for a different Candi, we had mutual friends. A year later, we have met and been hanging out. Even after finding out that we both dated Home Depot. We talked about it once for a few minutes and moved on. But today, she exploded over this. Her issue was that it says you have a weak mind. She doesn't believe that. I thought we agreed that it was personal opinion and we obviously felt differently.

I knew that when I started this journey, starting a blog and Facebook business announcing who I am and never holding back, would be difficult. But I didn't expect it to lead me to attempting suicide. I have opened up arguments with complete strangers in many groups. Some of these immediately became friendships, others getting people blocked and getting kicked out of groups for being better at this than the administrators. Being an Empath Shaman and mirroring people....showing them who they are by taking on their feelings and words and giving them right back. Some people see Love, some people see Hate, they see what they should see in their self.

SO....I did my best to keep my cool with her but she continued to comment and rant on my post, told off one my bestest friends and supporters, told me I wasn't a Real Shaman, in way many more words, went to MY Empath group, found a post I made and ranted on that. Thru all this, I asked her to stop several times. First being as nice as possible, then straight up telling her that she was being a bitch. Then she started tagging me in posts. I felt like she was trying to force her opinion down my throat. So I blocked her. I just recently unblocked her tho, I think she's over it now. I was fine with agreeing to disagree but she pushed me too far.


I Believe that Life is what You make it. With your thoughts, your mind, your soul, that You are a God and have the power to do what You want. It's not easy, especially with so many billion people in the World. I guess that's why there are so many Angels here now with US. I have many. Tony's, Mike's, many B-day Twins. They are Real and we help each other, all of US. If you don't Believe in You, how can anyone else ?? If you don't think you can quit drugs or leave that abusive relationship, then your thoughts, your mind is weak. No one said it was wrong, to ME, it says you need to strengthen your brain. Train yourself with positive thoughts, forget that pain by distracting yourself and learn to ride it out. Get help if you need it; I did, at 36 years old. I finally came to terms with the fact that my mom really is a narcissist because I finally got sober. I went between many different chemicals while drinking alcohol for 15 years or so.

I woke up for ME this time

I was done helping others, thanks to my mom, my neighbors and Boston. Michael from Connecticut mirrored ME and we showed each other what we learned, what we can do and what we were looking for in a True Love partner. We even helped each other learn how we were going to best talk to and deal with our True Loves. We met the first time I went to the psychiatric ward in Geisinger Danville, July 11, 2016. A Man named Michael, from Connecticut, stuck in MY town, lost and playing Christmas music on the Piano for ME from Day One of my stay. When I cut myself to show others how much words hurt, bullying and took a vacation in the mental ward because I was poor. And hiding from a guy who was from Boston. Hanging out with a Man from Connecticut. Fast forward 6 months, I try to kill myself and end up in the Psyche Ward again, with an even more amazing experience. With a Man from Bloomsburg, who doesn't look like anyone I have ever met. He has one tattoo, Anomaly. I stand by what I say. I met more addicts in this place, of course, I've attracted them my whole life and have been called the Mom since my teenage years. Probably since around the age my daughter is NOW. Most of the addicts I met in the psyche ward, got the help they needed and enjoyed the vacation. A lot of them even admitted that it helps them but then something traumatic happens, they start using and so they check them selves in before they end up dead. Something WE are all capable of. MIND and Will power, all the way. Believe you can do it and just do it.

And thank you Facebook for notifying me of a like on the featured pic just now, I was just going to find it and download it for this blog <3

"Superman (It's Not Easy)"

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“Ex’s & Oh’s”

5:12 pm Been thinking about this post for hours, this song fits perfect. Someone asked why I gave this guy a second chance. Easy answer but long. Sixteen months ago, he was honest with me and we were just friends. We literally hung out for about a week, on different occasions. I would let him drive sometimes and we just talked about the universe, birth charts, what we want in life. He helped me deliver papers once or twice. It was different then. We ended up cuddling one day which lead to crying, then sex. Which turned out to be a mistake, because he was posting on Facebook about wanting a girlfriend and a home. And I ended up liking him too much. Which is why I haven't had sex since. I don't care if you think this is too much info, it's what I do. I'm an Empath, I want to help other Empaths and they need to know how much sex can hurt. Damon and I said goodbye, face to face. I cried, he handled it like a champ. We even hugged goodbye. He then started posted that he was looking for a companion for booty calls and doing fun things as friends. It hurt, really bad, obviously I care about him and liked him, I've talked about him many times since.


Thank you Krystal  :-*

And that's why he got another chance, he didn't hurt me on purpose as my status might make you assume. He knows that. He was mature about it and we were just friends. Another reason that he knew what he was doing this time around. He knew how much I liked him. He also knew he could have all this, he chose to be a douche and lie. He claimed that most of his time the last sixteen months was spent in jail for a DUI and then for not paying child support while in jail. He even cried to me one day. So... I still don't think I'm being too harsh, honesty hurts but it opens peoples eyes. I know some day Damon will care and see the truth. Appreciate this And apologize. Unfortunately I will never trust him again. But they do say that if you like two people, you should pick the second one because if you really liked the first one, you wouldn't have liked the second one at all. Right ?? Yeah, I believe it. If Damon stuck around the first time, I wouldn't have met Donnie. And I definitely like Donnie more. He's way more talented and I'm pretty sure that He can't lie.

I dreamed last night about coming home and not being able to get up my driveway. One of my neighbors had huge tables set up in their yard and in the lane. I was irritated and went in my house. To dream of a table means good luck and prosperity. Woo hoo. And as for what my neighbor was doing in the dream, I'm not sharing but it means they will talk about me behind my back. No shit. Nothing new there.

My uncle brought my jack back in the middle of the night. He must have walked because I never heard him and he usually blasts his car stereo. So yeah, I got the dead animal out, still couldn't tell what it was :'-(

Feeling very hopeful, happy and awesome. And really hoping Donnie will be here this weekend. I know the Scorpio Ryan will be unblocking me soon. I can feel it. He's getting over his anger at my honesty. And I'm sure the Philippine is understanding that I blocked him for his own good. He was messaging me unwanted advice, I felt he was feeling too much of my pain. He will be unblocked soon. Thanks for reading.

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“I Knew You Were Trouble”

10:02 pm    That song came on the radio as I was driving past that place where the Aries is supposedly living. I even yelled out the window, as loud as I could "asshole, burn in hell"   Am I being too harsh ??   NO.    Yes, I said I didn't care but obviously I did, I wrote about him. And if you're my friend on Facebook, you know that I've been ranting and saying all kinds of shit about him. His name is Damon Gearhart. Look him up, his profile was a pic of him with a flower in his ear. Looks so gay and wonders why guys send him dick pics ?!? LOL

Yes, he told me that he wasn't sure if he even wanted a relationship. But what I didn't share; he told me the next day, sitting here in My House, in front of my daughter no less, that he was thinking about moving in and making a go of it. And he stayed over 5 nights out of 7. Wouldn't you believe it also ?? He even bought dinner for all of us, my daughter, him and me. Why else would he do it ?? Most likely for the ability to use my car, right ?? He claimed that he was in recovery but the last two days he was here, he smelled like meth. Yeah, I did that shit for a month straight when I was 20. So anyone who tries to tell you that it doesn't smell is an idiot. It most definitely smells and is very unique. It can't be mistaken for anything else. I promise. So clearly, he was lying about where he was and what he was doing. And clearly he wasn't sure about me because there was someone else. And I'm positive that he was thinking that if he told me the truth, I wouldn't help him. Which I may not have but who knows. At first, I wasn't even thinking about him that way. I was thinking about Donnie. For days. Then Damon hangs around here, getting me thinking that he actually likes me, making me remember how much I like him. So of course I wanted to help him get a job like he was claiming to do, no one lives here for free.

The last night I saw him, he was here and ended up leaving his phone here. Nice me, I drove to town, thru town and half way to Bloom, just to give him his phone and some cigs because I knew he was out. But did he bother to thank me ?? NO. Did he bother to tell me that he went for someone else ?? NO. He has completely ignored me and acted like I don't exist. He even blocked me on Facebook after telling everyone that he was with someone and it felt good to be wanted, even tho he wasn't sure if it was the right choice....

Well, it was, because I am NOT an option or a second choice. You want me or you don't. And as for feeling wanted, that's sex, lust, not love. I wanted him. I wanted all of him. I wanted him to stay here, be my man and help me with this house. But that clearly wasn't enough for him. And I'm so glad that I couldn't stop thinking about Donnie and kept my legs closed. I was willing and wanting to talk about Donnie with Damon, more than willing to tell him the whole story. But obviously Damon couldn't or wouldn't and didn't be honest with me. Also glad that Damon disappeared when he did, I was ready to give it up and boy would I be pissed and hurt. He thinks I'm psycho now, he should have tried harder and fucked me, then he would really see psycho. Yeah, he didn't even have enough balls to try cuddling and fucking me. He just waited for me and I was waiting for proof that he was actually going to stick around.

Then today, I find out there's a dead animal under my car. I parked on a hill and saw the four legs hanging down. It's so decayed that I can't tell what it was but it sure looks like a cat. I can't think of any other animal that size with that long of legs. And I know that I didn't hit anything or come close to hitting anything. Which makes me wonder what kind of person he really is. Especially when the guy who I got my kittens from just had to tell me about watching one of his cats get hit by a young male driver who laughed and sped off. Coincidence ??   OH HELL NO


Yes, I picked up two baby kittens yesterday. They are so adorable. I love them so much. My other two cats are pissed for now but I think they will come around. The dogs are excited and want to play with them but the kittens have never seen dogs and they are so small, my dog too rough, they're scared of the dogs for now. I'm sure that will change once they get more comfortable here. They have a basket which they sleep in and we use to carry them around so they can see the house and outside and learn their new home. I had them outside with me today while trying to remove the dead animal from my car, which has proven to be a pain in the ass. It was definitely hit while moving, it is all wrapped up in the axle   :'-(   Makes me so fucking angry. Especially since my uncle 'borrowed' my $80 jack a year ago and won't give it back. GRRRR.....people need to learn to stop fucking me over, Karma hates that and is a real bitch to those assholes.

Damon is so lucky that I think I have decided not to do voo doo dolls anymore. That shit really works for me but not without hurting me. And I want my true love now so I'm not doing anything that will fuck with that. I will just let Karma take care of it......maybe......


The Red Jasper I found at my mom's with a bunch of other amazing ones. I will share them all soon.

Anyway, yeah, I also went to an Indian pow wow Sunday. Finally got me a selenite wand, a sunstone and some green goldstone. I wasn't looking for the goldstone but I didn't know there was green either and it was too pretty to pass up. Of course I have been looking for the others tho. And the selenite was real cheap. I also found some turkey feathers and decided I was getting a red fox tail. I know, I love animals and there's a chance that this tail was taken cruelly. But it also could not have been and as many red foxes as I use to see on my paper route, I had to have one. People sell them, lots of them, why not have one ?? And the one I picked is amazing. It has a black line spiraling all the way around from the top, all the way to the white tip. I love it. Don't hate on me, I love foxes, I feel connected to them and this tail feels amazing. It helps me feel safe and comforted. It's my fidget spinner.

So yeah, no more fuck boys.....I'm thinking of Donnie and waiting for him. I know he was Real and true and that he wants me. He wants me so much that he's thinking about giving me babies even when he didn't want them. And that's Real, True Love   @};-   <3

FullSizeRender (77)

What I made with my turkey feathers, selenite and stuff I had at home. The aura quartz, ruby and blue calcite were also at my mom's but were my daughter's from Knoebels.

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“Broke” Modest Mouse

4:12 pm I knew it has been awhile but damn, nine days since I last wrote. And it must have been a good one, it has more views than any other post. But what to write ?? First, I was clearly wrong about my two choices. Someone totally unexpected has shown up in my life and been hanging out here with me at my house. And for all you nosy fucks, no, nothing is going on. Not that it's anyone's business but we didn't even touch until yesterday and today. Yesterday, I helped him cut his hair and he cleaned up my neck for me. And today, that was just to pass my phone back and forth looking at fidget spinners. Yeah, that's right, I told you before, I can have a male in my bed, sleeping next to me and not get naked. I admit it's hard with this one. I do like him. A lot. And he is sexy. And yeah, we did have sex before. He's the only guy I've been naked with in the last two years. But I know what I want, he's not so sure. He thinks he knows but he doesn't. I think I've helped him realize that the last few days. He has decided to move in with his grandpa, not me.

The first night he stayed here, I dreamed about him. And a whole bunch of other people as well. I got the impression that we are truly meant to be just friends. He did call me his soul sister a long time ago. It hurt a lot at the time. I was still possessed and sick. It was way before I cut myself and met Micheal. I was lost, scared and very alone. I didn't want to believe him at the time, I wanted more. I didn't want to be alone. But he disappeared and I had no choice. So yeah, I do love this guy but I'm not sure that I can fall in love with him. He's awesome but something seems to be missing for us. I have no idea what, we get along great, enjoy each other's company and are definitely still attracted to each other. It's different and strange. I don't know what to make of it. Except that I still think about Donnie and see his face. I just can't let him go. I don't know if he likes me, wants to be with me or will give me what I want. I don't even know why I like him so much, I barely know him, definitely not as much as I know the guy here with me now.

And now I've convinced myself I know the answer. Of course Donnie likes me, I shouldn't doubt that. He proved it every day, all day when we were in that hospital together. He just didn't know how much. I'm older and want kids. And he was more pissed off that he was in there than he was concerned about me or his future. Especially with love, he's a male. And my last dream about him, we talked about kids, so he's definitely thinking about it. And now, getting to spend time with this other guy, it's helping me see that I'm right. I hear it all the time, how do you know when you've met the one ?? My answer has always been that I believe you will know. And I do. It wasn't easy for me, like it can be for some. And of course, I blame most of that on my mom and her wanting me to stay here with her forever. No one can tell me otherwise, she has not been here all week, she's staying at my brother's dog sitting. Things have been real easy, calm and amazing here for me. I absolutely need to get away from her.

I have got to mention that Scorpio Ryan has contacted me. He unblocked me just to tell me that I better stop writing about him or he will sue me. Then he blocked me again. LMAO. Do you know how many Scorpio's named Ryan are out there ?? I don't even know. I haven't even told anyone where in the World you live, your last name or anything that could help them know exactly who I am talking about. Fuck man, I've even whited out your pic in the screenshots of our conversations. No one knows you personally but me, so please, get over yourself. If you want to stalk me and read my blog, go right ahead but don't fucking harass me because I speak the truth and you're afraid that someone will confront you on it. Don't worry, no one cares enough but me and I have given up on you. If you don't like what I say about you, then maybe you should reconsider the way you talk to people and behave. And please, stop making me dream about you. You're still showing up in my dreams and I don't appreciate it.....

Now my problem is, do I get a job or are my online businesses going to finally start paying off ?? Because yes, I did finally get my license mailed back to me. It arrived on Friday with a letter telling me to drive safely. I can finally drive and apply for a job. I would love the paper route back but I need a whole lot of gas money to do that. You don't get paid for 2-3 weeks after starting and I am poor. I need around $10 a day to do my old route and I definitely can't afford that.

I've been asked about crystals a lot lately. On deciding which one is for you. I can't tell you. You have to go out there and pick the ones that speak to you. I can suggest many based on your birth chart but I don't know how they will work for you. Look at me, everyone loves black tourmaline and swears by it. It's even suppose to be good for all my Virgo.....but I hate it. It gives me anxiety and I can not use it. I try, I have lots of it to make stuff with and that is exactly what I am doing with ALL of it. Making things and getting it out of this house. I just can't use it. And who could predict that ?? No one but me. So really, just go hunting and pick the stones you really like. If you feel like you want it or need it, get it. Trust me, you will never stop at just one. It's like certain foods, you just can't have enough.

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Real Life Dreams

6:42 am    I started this the other day, immediately after the last one but couldn't decide what all I wanted to talk about. I titled it and left it blank while I thought about it. I'm so glad I did. I think I have mentioned that my dreams have been really strange and fucked up, right ?? Well, the other night, I finally decided to make my own sleep mask. The ones I've been using are getting old and stretched out. I haven't even been using them. I had been thinking about it for awhile, trying to decide what crystals I was going to put on it, over my third eye. I have been trying for a really long time to figure out which one to use. First I tried all the suggested ones for your third eye but of course had no luck. You wonder why ?? Because most of them are Aquarius and Pisces stones. They are my Sun, Mercury, Venus and Psyche. Aquarius meaning I Know and Pisces meaning I Believe. AND....both are my South Node. The things I know and use too much. I finally decided that Tigers Eye is going to be my third eye stone for my headdress. I'm thinking and hoping this is the final one. I've made I think five already, only to tear them up and start over. But the Tigers Eye wasn't working for dreams. Well, the other night, it finally dawned on me, duh, of course I should be using stones for my Moon signs. The Moon is your mind and dreams are in your mind. Well, I hit the jackpot. I picked the perfect stones.....


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I cut a piece from a scarf that I intended on making something with. It's the perfect material, so soft. I'm going to pull out my twenty dollar sewing machine later and hope it's strong enough to sew the velcro on. It's pinned on with safety pins right now and they hurt my head when I'm sleeping. I wish I could remember what night I made it and started wearing it. Tuesday or Wednesday night. And my dreams have been magnificent. Still weird but that's not unusual, the weird parts are what tell me to look up and pay attention to. Woo hoo.....MY prophetic dreams are back !! (the stones are Green Jade, Bloodstone, Malachite, Peridot, Red Jasper and Lapis Lazuli)

Which is why I choose the title I did for this. My dreams are Real and tell me the future. For me AND my loved ones. So Thursday morning, I was dreaming that I was back at Penn Tech. The college I went to about 12 years ago. I was even in class sitting next to a guy who looked just like the kid I sat next to in one of my computer programming classes back then. On break, I went for a walk around campus, which was more like a mall, found a bathroom and puked my guts out. It was so disgusting, I will spare you the details on how gross. Thankfully there was a shower in there because I puked on my lower legs as well and was so glad I was wearing a short dress. I was horrified when I woke up. But then I googled what it means to dream of vomiting. Of course, it means rejecting something. All I could think was my mother. I mean, after the day we had Wednesday, with her trying to tell me what she thinks I should do with my life, I'm pretty sure I'm right.

Thursday, my dog had to go get a booster shot. Of course my mom made the appointment since she had to drive. And as usual, she scheduled it around lunch time and had to drive thru traffic. Grr....and I will keep that visit out for now, I'm super pissed about the place I was forced to go and it's a long story for another day. After taking my dog back home, I was talked into going to a yard sale with her. She's been bugging me to go for almost a week. A huge one that is run by the ARC, Animal Rescue Center. Our local pet rescue. Every summer they do this, all summer long. They take donations and keep all the proceeds for the shelter. This year, they are taking up the entire grandstand at the Bloomsburg fairgrounds. The place is full and getting packed. Did I tell you that she, my mother, told me the other day that she didn't have enough money to help me pay my car on time ?? I knew she was lying. Going down the hill yesterday, she told me that she needed to stop for gas, then we would stop for a Dunkin coffee for me and then she says we will stop at the bank so she can give me money for my car  😮

Oh, yeah, I had a hard time keeping my cool after that. Of course I had to, she was handing me money and taking me shopping. Even tho I wasn't happy about going there, definitely not with her. And of course, she started out walking with me. I was getting so frustrated, she kept pointing out shit and saying, don't you need that or want that ?? As if I'm the blind one and can't see this shit. I was so fucking happy when she announced that she had to pee and would have to go find a bathroom. She was gone for so long that I was almost done going thru the place when she finally got back. She had to walk all the way to the other side of the fairgrounds to find an open bathroom. HAHAHA. It was nice to get to shop in peace and look for things that I want. I almost screamed when I found this....


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Volunteers put stuff out on the tables and they obviously had no idea what this is really worth. The first couple tables inside the door are things that are priced and worth money, the rest goes in bags and you pay per bag. This ended up being $1, my grand total $21, the price I would pay for just this brand new  😀

The last thing I remember her pointing out and trying to get me was a fucking throw rug. Apparently she's still pissed that I tore out all my carpet and refuse to have any. Just like she can't even remember that I have allergies. On the way to this place, she noticed the big ass zit on my face and asked if it was a hive. When I said no, it's a zit, she said 'yeah, I didn't think you got hives.' What the fuck is wrong with this woman ?? She's already forgotten that I had an allergy test one year ago and am extremely allergic to cats, dogs and dust so yes, I do get hives, lots of them. Not to mention that I need more testing done yet because I almost stopped breathing from an asthma attack after SHE cleaned my entire house with chemicals !!!

GRRRRR....anyway, the featured pic at the top is the stuff I got that I really love. I got plenty more, including a whole bunch of rings to make dream catchers with  🙂

I was so relieved by the time we got home. All I could think was that it was hopefully the last time I will have to ride with her or get money from her. Do I feel bad about taking her money ?? HELL NO. She is the one who jinxed me three days after I got out of the psyche ward, on the way to my first group therapy appointment. She said not to be surprised if the doctor makes me go to neurology and wait six months for my license. And look what happened. My bitch doctor refused to help me, forced me to find a neurologist and wait. And remember, that neurologist agreed with the DMV, any one of my doctors could have filled out that seizure form. But they all said no or ignored me. Except my psychiatrists of course but they were not allowed to fill out that one. They were more than willing to. But like I said, my mom jinxed me. My very own mother. One of the reasons I love my Bloodstone so much. It protects you from black magick and that woman is definitely black magick.

My dream this morning proved it. She invaded my dreams again. Showed up in a new house to take me somewhere. Going down the road however, the roads were flooding. Everything was flooding, it was getting crazy. So she turned around and flew back to that house, my new house. I was pissed and yelling at her to slow down so I could take pictures. She said 'no, that's what the news is for.' I yelled back 'well duh, they get their pictures and videos from stupid people out in it like us.' She didn't say a word after that but still sped back to that house. When we got there, she walked down stairs, so I followed. Turned out she was going to the basement to hang her coat up and I decided to grab that door, slam it shut and lock her in. HAHAHA. So what does all that mean ?? The flooding means that she is the one causing me so much stress and turmoil. Of course. Us talking about the news means that I'm right about sharing all this and helping others, some one has to do it. And me locking her in the basement, well that was me shutting her out of my mind, my emotions and my life.

So really now, who wants to try telling me that dreams are just dreams again ?? I'm tired of hearing it. Dreams are real and they are guides. Even the Indians believe it and have for a very long fucking time. Don't you know where dream catchers originated and why ?? Look it up....Ojibwe Indians....

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I finally re-learned how to wrap a stone with macrame and wrapped my white agate so that I can tie it to my hand and not lose it while I'm sleeping. I have also been holding one of my green aventurine with the agate, in my left. Why my left ?? I'm right handed, which means my right is my giving hand and my left my receiving. I want everything I receive to be cleansed and pure. I also want money and adventure  😀

As for the rest of you, I've told you and told you that I do not want to talk about this shit. When are you going to learn that I live for the future ?? I dream about the future, I want the future and I want it now. I wanted it years ago and I'm real sick of talking about my past and my feelings just so you can understand. No, it does not make me feel better. That's why I write this blog, I get it out, say what I need to without being asked questions or persuaded into thinking differently. NO. This is MY LIFE. If you truly respect me and care about me, give me my space like I asked and butt out. Stop forcing me to hide on Facebook.  I can't enjoy it if you are all emailing me the very second I log on wanting to talk, when I'm there to scroll or find shit, not talk.  I Know what I want, I Know how I feel and I definitely know who is against me. Another reason I don't feel bad about taking my mothers money right now. My brother and I both told her to stay at her job three more years because she would get a significant amount of more money from the government. But no, she just had to leave. She knew I was going back to school full time and would need help but she didn't care, she could only think about herself. And it hurt my life so much......because she has been here, thinking about how much she wants me to stay here and be her little girl forever and do whatever she wants. With my life and MY House. long she feels that way and continues to keep me from finding true love, then I will be a child and she can keep paying my bills. HAHAHA

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“Make Me Lose Control”

4:35 pm What a day so far. Well, two days, yesterday was something else. I stayed away from Facebook and kept myself occupied. Got in an argument with my mother. Of course, we didn't see each other for a few days, it was great. Then of course she was her usual self. I did my best to be nice but I ended up walking away, both of us mad. She was telling me what job she thinks I should get, then lead to telling me what kind of job my cousin should take. Even tho my cousin already has a really great paying job that she loves. It's not my mother's business nor mine. So I left and went back to my cave. She eventually left, taking the garbage and recycling as she has always promised to do if I would stay here. It was about time too, it was getting out of hand. I want to burn it but she bitches if I do and puts shit in my way or moves it. She's such a pain in the ass.

Princess wrote a comment again. I'm not going to accept this one either, for her sake. It was clear she didn't read the whole post or didn't understand it. She said something about calling the DMV back. I already got what I needed. And today I went to my psychiatrist to refill my meds. All the forms are now at the DMV and hopefully my license will be in the mail by Friday. Thanks for the late advice tho. Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself. I had to go thru a lot of shit to get that first form filled out, the seizure one. A lot of people don't know that if you have one seizure, you automatically lose your license for 6 months, unless you have a good doctor who will see you right away or already have an established neurologist. I had neither, so it took me four months to get a form filled out saying why I had a seizure. Then they send me another form, forcing me to declare that I'm not a substance abuser by a psychiatrist. Of course I had to know why. And sometimes you do have to be a bitch, let them know they are fucking up. When I called today, the lady was on lunch but the one who helped me, she knew that I needed both, so maybe they will pay more attention and start sending all the proper forms needed for when you have a seizure. The original letter to them stated that I had a seizure and why, they had to review it and they should have sent them all once. Once again, making life difficult for ME. Even my mother agreed that it seems like they singled me out.

Gee....I wonder why. Maybe because I share everything and help others who are in the same situation ?? One of my friends let me know that I would have to fill out an extra form, which just happen to be the one I needed faxed anyway.

Just like me getting in a fight with my mother again. Today. I had her take me early so I could get these forms taken care of. I'm pretty sure she sat out in the car, the whole time. It was a long meeting today, some of them talked a lot. Hahaha. And I was last. Haha. Well, by then, I was pretty pissed that she bought that old, ugly, stinky ass camper that is sitting in MY driveway and forgot to help me pay my car or just didn't care. And I'm not allowed to borrow the smelly thing, oh well. I'm not going to cry over it, but my car, yeah, I'm not going to be happy if I end up losing that. I was going to have her go to Dunkin again but as she pulling up to the main street, I remembered how she drives and we would have to go left, so I didn't ask. I was good, I kept my cool, even tho, as I told my psychiatrist, that at this point and me being 37, if I have to depend on this woman much longer, I just might choke her. She giggled and said that would not be good. My mother stopped at Puffs while I bitched about one of my friends. She bought me tobacco and tubes, as I told my doctor, I'm not ready to quit, not as long as I live with that woman.

My mom gave me money for my smoke supplies, I just happen to have enough to buy a lottery ticket. Wish me luck, if I win the jackpot, I will give my jewelry away. And my water, after I visit the fountain of youth again. Someone said we could go, if they could get a ride here. I have the vehicle, he has the license and wants a reading. I'm making him something too, he needs it and I need some of that water. I have to find containers tho, as my mother threw all my bottles away the first time I stayed in the psyche ward. I remembered that on the way home, how I had a milk crate full of empty Gatorade bottles, for the fountain of youth water, and it was all gone when I got home. So by the time we got home today, an argument started, over all the milk crates she stole from me, along with what was in them.

First, I asked for my railroad ties. My daughter and I picked them up when we went on that hike up Catawissa mountain. I carried a lot of them up that hill, in my back pack. They were in milk crates,everything that was in my car was put in milk crates. By ME. In milk crates that I stole from Sunoco when I worked there. She even took the one out of my bathroom and put my daughters bath toys in one of her plastic baskets. So at first, today, she said they were around somewhere. Well, she kept talking about them and ended up saying that she might have thrown some out on dump day !!! Can you believe that shit ?? So of course I told her, they were mine, she had no right to steal them. Well you should have seen how pissed she was. Because she admitted she had them, might have thrown them away but I can't call her out on the truth ??

I have so had it with her. This is suppose to be MY house. I want her to load up that camper and get lost. And stay the fuck out of my dreams.

"Make Me Lose Control" is the song that was playing while I was in Puffs. The girl working was singing and dancing with it, as was I. It's such a beautiful song. I blasted it twice when I got home, as my mother threw milk crates at my house. I want to put a rolling eye emoji right here.

The featured pic is the first clear quartz I had put on my necklace, which broke yesterday. I heard the bottom piece bounce across the floor. I looked but all I found was a small bud. I was excited, it was enough. And tasted so damn good. I wrapped a new crystal up and put it on my necklace. The piece I had, is being cleansed now. Yesterday, my daughter claimed there was a demon here, hmmmm. Then some friends stopped by. One I haven't seen in a very long time. He barely remembered me at first but then he did. Hahaha....we've told him not to drink so much. I gave him a four leaf clover and one of my business cards.

I made a playlist on Spotify with the same name as this post. It's for Donnie    XXX

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7:15 One more time.....yes, I attempted suicide in January. Four days after my 37th birthday. Yes, I drove myself to the ER, which has made some people feel that I deserve to have my license taken away for six months. No, I drove there before anything could happen and before anything did. Yes, I fell walking in. Unfortunately, I just happened to have picked a time when there was absolutely no one around. Very rare at that ER, very rare indeed. Therefore no one could back up the fact that yes, I'm a clutz and I fell out of my shoes, flat on my face. Well, more like my hip and chin. I was wearing my shoes like flip flops and they are not, so yes, my clumsy ass fell out of them walking down the pavement into the ER. So, by the time I walked in there, I was bleeding profusely from my chin and they took me back right away. I became unconscious and was strapped down almost immediately. Because yes, I told them I took that entire bottle of pills as I handed them the bottle and they were concerned that I would have a seizure. Which I did, after being tied down and hooked up to machines. So you see....I was never a threat to anyone but myself. I thought I already proved that last summer, in July, when I cut myself instead of taking my anger out on others. I would rather hurt myself than anyone else. Got that ??? It's my biggest weakness, wanting to please others and help others, never harm them.

Exactly one of the reasons I am pissed now. If I did have epilepsy, I would surrender my license on my own free will. I would not go drive and put countless others at harm just because I want to drive. Fuck that. And yeah, I am pissed now, super pissed. Anyone notice that you can comment on each post ?? There's a form at the end where you can do so and you can put whatever name you want. And yeah, yesterday some lady commented on yesterday's post claiming that I have too much anger. She called herself Princess something. I didn't approve it and I deleted it. Then I updated yesterday's post with a P.S. that was directed at her. Now, I want to thank her, for real. She made me mad and started the ball rolling. Not long after her comment and my update, I finally went to check my mail. And after opening the letter from the DMV, then I was super pissed. So pissed that I bawled for two hours and cried myself to sleep. So really, thank you lady. Go back in my blog if you want, I've talked about it before, anger is my power. Being angry gets my Magick going and gets me want I want. Being hurt, sad and lonely only makes those things worse but when I get mad, you better watch the fuck out.

Now it's 7:55 am. I've been cooking and eating while typing in between. It's almost time to call the DMV and have a chat with them. I've had enough time to cool down and not be an emotional hot mess but you bet that I'm going to be a bitch and ask them why they made this decision. I've already been forced to get one form filled out, forced to go an hour and a half away in order to get it done and that form clearly states that I attempted suicide, once and that I am no longer prescribed those pills nor have I been for almost a year now. So really, I would love to know what makes them think I have a substance abuse problem. I take allergy and asthma pills but only because they have gotten so bad that I would suffocate and die if I didn't take these meds. And yes, I'm on an anti-depressant for now. Since the suicide attempt and it's a very low dose. It's better than crying all day and I can't wait to get off it. I most certainly never abuse it. Nor do I drink alcohol anymore, haven't for almost a year now and I don't even take Advil or ibuprofen. In fact, I still have prescription strength ibuprofen from when I had surgery over a year and a half ago. I hate pills. I hate drugs. If I have a headache, I drink coffee. Yes, it works, it makes my headaches go away. If my back hurts, I tough it out. Most often, it's because I slept on my side and some yoga stretches fix the problem real quick. If not, I get a hot shower and that works. Once in awhile, that's not enough either tho and that's when I get a hot bath with Epsom salt. And that works every time. Weed is a plant. It is NOT a drug. But even so, I can't afford it so I'm definitely not abusing it either. So this is absolutely absurd. I am one of the most sober people you will ever meet and these assholes are trying to mark me as a drug user. So not cool and definitely has me super pissed. Well, it's now 8 am, I'm going to take the dogs out, have a smoke and then call the DMV......

UGH.....I hate this place. Pennsylvania, the US, just a bunch of greedy assholes. They still insist that I have this substance abuse form filled out because they need proof that I don't have a problem. And then, she tells me that it's a good thing I called and told her that it was a suicide attempt....because then they're going to make me have a psychiatry form filled out as well. WTF. This is such bullshit. Yeah, I got pissy and rude, I was so fucking mad. Thankfully, she was a patient woman and helped me out. She gave me her name and fax number and ensured me that my psychiatrist can fill these forms out for me. And thankfully I have an appointment tomorrow, not that it matters, they are awesome and have been trying to help me get my license back from the very beginning. I wouldn't have to make an appointment, I could walk in there and get it done whenever they are there. And they can call and get me that other form faxed to them so that they can fill them both out, fax them back and get me my license back. This nice woman even told me that she would personally make sure that these forms are reviewed right away and taken care of so that I can get my life back. Let's hope she means it and gets it done ASAP. I'm so sick of having to depend on my crazy ass mother.

Thank you to everyone who sent me positive vibes and helped me get to talk to this nice lady who is going to help me out.

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