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9/26/18 Wednesday

5:22 am I have been unsuccessfully trying to change my sleep schedule for months now. I want to be up during the days but my body just won’t do it. An old ‘friend’ said hi and asked if anything was new. That Scorpio I was picking on before, who blocked me for quite some time. Ha. I told him he wouldn’t stay away. He even sent me a friend request. I said nothing (is new). But that’s a lie. It has been a really long time since I talked to him or you. The biggest reason is that I am without a computer again. Kinda. My laptop works sometimes but I don’t have Internet anymore.

Physically I’m still not 100 but I am doing better. Of course it still hurts during my period with all the bloating but rarely hurts any other time. It sucks that I’m one of the ones who takes forever to heal from surgery. It’s been almost three years and I’m still not recovered. I’m still depressed, lazy and stuck. You would think that since my mother finally moved out that I’d be happier. But I’m not. She gave me two weeks notice and has been out for almost three months now. She didn’t go far enough away tho, she moved into my grandparents old place, down the driveway where my uncle was living. And she still interferes with my life a lot and there’s things I still can’t do because of her meddling.

We lost Killian. A really sad story that I’m not ready to share. I still bawl every time I think of him and tell his story. Lucky misses him most. Lucky was not ok for months. He just recently started coming in the house again. He was outside waiting and looking for his pal for a long time. We rescued another litter from Killian, Amelia and Jasper’s Mom. She had five that time. She is currently taking care of another litter but I don’t know how many this time. We took the five and call them monsters because that’s how they are when canned cat food is around. They are the sweetest and best litter of kittens I’ve ever had tho. They are all well behaved and love to cuddle. They were extremely sick when I first got them, which is why I took them. We nursed them back to health and now I’m struggling to find them homes. Part of me is glad, I have fallen in love with them and will bawl when they leave. About a month after taking them in, I found a kitten sitting along a main road, near a Walmart. Of course I picked her up. We named her Angel and she came down with an eye infection and now needs surgery to have the remainder of the eye removed so that it doesn’t get infected again. I have a fundraiser on Facebook to help pay for it because I can’t afford it and have been unable to find any resources that help with sick kittens. I’ve shared it on Mystic Starlite’s Facebook if you want to follow the links and donate.

About a month after that, I was helping a local rescue trap some ferals. We found a litter of four kittens and I got talked into keeping them because no one had room. Good thing my mother moved out. These four have a room to themselves and thankfully they are very healthy. Three black boys and one tiger girl. Two of the boys are starting to be friendly with us, the other two are still scared but they let us hold them. They just hiss and sometimes growl at us when we reach for them but then they just hide in your shirt, refusing to look at you. I’m confident they will come around and that I can find homes for the black ones, I might get stuck with the girl tho but she is really pretty so maybe not.

I delivered papers again for awhile but hated it this time and quit. Now I’m just doing Uber and collecting child support. I’m dreading getting a ‘real’ job, I will hate it and only become more depressed. I know it’s possible to find a man who will take care of me and a home….I just don’t know where to find him. I deleted my online profiles, I haven’t met anyone, I hate the idea of meeting someone online and I just don’t see it happening. But I’m also getting impatient and wondering if I really will meet someone out and about, just living life. I’m trying to clean and organize my house, I had a dream a little over a year ago that I was moving into a new home. And I’ve been dreaming it again. I still have no idea how or if it’s alone but I do know that it’s going to happen. I fear that I’m going to be stuck in this house all winter tho. It sucks. That’s why I’m not happy about my mother moving out, it made me finally accept that this house needs way too much work and I need to get out. But I don’t know how and it’s causing me to be extremely depressed.